Part of a Balanced Breakfast

This week in Lost, season 4, episode 4, Chef Locke tries to serve up several delicious meals, only to have his story constantly interrupted by Kate whining about going to jail.

Ooooh, the infamous opening shot of a character’s eye, how classic Lost. As the camera reveals Locke, in Ben’s old hospital bed, he gets up and moves into the kitchen. So apparently, this week’s episode of Lost is dharma sponsored 30 minute meals, as we watch Locke make eggs and cantaloupe in a cooking montage that is way too elaborate for such a Spartan meal. Two fried eggs, some melon, and a book; a meal befitting a prisoner. Oh wait, they already did this scene back when Ben was still known as Henry Gale.

When Ben asks why Locke moved him, and Locke replies “I wanted you under my own roof,” you can cut the sexual tension with a knife. Then when Locke wants information about Ben and his secret agent, Ben once again uses his psychological warfare skillz and mocks Locke for being “more lost than [he ever was].” At least Ben makes a nod to the fact that the writers have seemingly reused every scene they ever wrote for this season. As Locke leaves with Ben’s food, even though he’s clearly not done eating, he smashes the plate against the wall. Ben sassily smiles because he knows he’s getting to the crazy bald man. Not like it’s that hard.

As Kate watches Locke storm away, she is curious about the conversation but Claire just kind of shrugs it off as Locke always being crazy. Sawyer comes up and starts some idle chit chat, and Claire takes her cue to go so the two can go bang. Except not really; more just be all ‘I wanna bang but we also have to keep this sexual frustration triangle going.’ Sawyer offers Kate some clothes that he thinks will fit her, and I feel like anyone as world weary as Sawyer should know that picking clothes for women is like navigating a minefield. Not something to do. When Sawyer wants to know why Kate is at the barracks, since they’re not gonna bang, Kate quickly cuts to the chase and calls Sawyer untrustworthy. Not to be left in the dust, Sawyer fires back with the pregnancy and takes his leave. If every time a character watched another walk away, with a longing, ‘I wanna bang you’ kind of stare, and I had to take a drink, I’m not sure my liver would survive the season.

This week’s flashforward (and obviously it’s a flashforward) is apparently about Kate. She’s a double celebrity, being one of the Oceanic Six and a felon beforehand and we are about to be subjected to her court hearing. She hates all the attention and when she asks “if there’s a back entrance” into the court, like a 7th grade kid, I immediately jump to the anal sex jokes. I’ll let you make your own. Watching the court scene just makes me wish I was watching Law and Order. I bet Jack McCoy would get her off with just one objection. Except I guess he’d be prosecuting this case. Anyways, she’s remanded without bail because, even though she’s kind of a celebrity, she’s clearly a flight risk. I mean, she fled to Australia once already. Which makes me curious about US-Australia extradition policies. But not enough to bring up wikipedia. Cuffs are slapped on her, once again, and we cut to the eerie Lost opening screen.

Back on the island, Jin reads funny American names off a map. Haha, foreigners. He and Sun are trying to find a place to raise their baby, since Jin pretty much cannot handle being his father-law’s enforcer anymore. I mean, it’s why he’s learned Engrish so good. But Sun insists that they go back to Korea, I don’t know why. I got the fuck out of there. She says, in Korean, “she wants to raise [her] baby at home,” and then Jin corrects her, “you mean our baby.” Before she can awkwardly respond about how the island may not have fixed Jin’s pee-pee and that she banged some other dude, Jack interrupts and brings the boaties with him, informing that Kate switched teams.

When Kate goes to talk to Locke, he’s washing the blood off his hands. Chicken blood, or so he claims. She wants to talk to Miles, but Locke refuses the request. Locke then claims he is not leading a democracy, he calls the shots. When Kate calls him a dictator, he gets kinda defensive and claims he would’ve shot her. But I mean, he’s not bound by any set laws nor is he concerned with the consent of the like 5 people with him, so he kind of is (Who is following him? Sawyer, Hurley, Claire, Rousseau, Alex, Karl, and his prisoners?).

Kate then tricks Hurley tricks into revealing where Miles is hidden and when he realizes he’s been “Scooby-Doo”-ed, even Kate can’t help but feel bad for tricking him. I really want to bring that term into popular use, by the way. So let’s all do our part. She promises not let Miles go and not to rat Hurley out. Poor guy, he was just bringing the vacuum salesman a sandwich.

Kate clearly wants to know if the boaties knows she a fugitive and when Miles makes the offer of trading everything he knows for a minute with Kate, it seems quite apparent that either a) they know or b) he is using her. Either way, she won’t be happy with the answer. Why not try and play weak minded Dan? Or get Frank drunk? Geez Kate, you’re a fugitive, one would think you’re a little more clever.

In jail, Kate is sporting that orange jumpsuit and goes to meeting with her lawyer. He obviously feels like he’s gonna lose and wants Kate to agree to a deal—15 year sentence, her serving 7. 7 years for her rap sheet? Honestly, that’s a pretty good deal. But she refuses to go to jail and her lawyer brings up that her mom is stabbing her in the back and testifying. Her lawyer changes strategies by wanting to make this a character battle. And wants to bring a certain someone into the courtroom. But Kate refuses to use her son in such a cheap way. Ooooh, Kate has a son.

Dan and Charlotte check out the losties’ pantry and Jack seems to keep getting a busy signal on the iPhone. Juliet has the wonderful idea of calling 911, because calling when they answer and Jack says ‘Hey, we’re on some island somewhere, come rescue us!’ that’ll really help the situation. Sun is concerned that they can’t contact the boat or hear from Sayid and paranoia makes her question Jack’s judgement. And bring up the sore spot of Kate. Jack looks visibly concerned.

Claire and Kate hang sheets to dry, since they’ve been at the barracks for the long time of one night. Also I am pretty sure there are more sheets than people there. Aaron gets fussy and Claire asks Kate to soothe him, but I don’t exactly get why, since Kate is just as entangled in sheets as Claire. Poor execution of showing that Kate feels awkward around children on the island yet super defensive back in jail. Slash I cannot get the image of goth Claire back in Australia when she put her mom in coma. And now she’s a mom. I think it just weirds me out because all these NYU hipsters will probably be doing the same thing. Weird.

In court, Kate’s lawyer apologizes for bringing ‘him’ in. And when Jack comes in, I think it is only fair to assume that Jack is the child of Kate’s that the lawyer referred to earlier. Maybe not, but it’s still kinda funny. When put on the witness stand, we see Jack commit major perjury, making up a completely false story about what happened on the island (yet, strangely, he is still extremely vague; as per Lost writers’ style). Jack clearly paints Kate as some sort of super hero. Kate suddenly cannot take all the lies anymore and stops the character examination. When cross-examined by the DA, she simply asks Jack if he loves Kate. The lawyer makes that classic tv court room objection scream while still trying to stand but gets shot down so Jack lies again and says “no, not anymore.” We get another shot of Kate looking mournful.

Roomies Hurley and Sawyer are debating how to spend their Saturday night, Hurley wanting to watch one of their two movies and Sawyer trying to read. As I stated before, there are like six people following Locke and I am pretty sure there are way more than six houses. So why are people rooming together? Kate comes over to join the party Hurley gives Sawyer that sly ‘you’re gonna hang a sock on the knob, huh?’ wink but Sawyer purposefully just draws attention to him. Sawyer brings Kate into the kitchen to share a glass of classy dharma brand box wine, unrefridgerated boxed wine. Sawyer wants to the chase and get to what Kate wants Sawyer to do. She reveals the she wants to bust Ben out, as the dramatic music swells. Honestly, I find the soundtrack more distracting than anything else.

Sawyer then shows up at Locke’s house with a backgammon board, an obvious distraction. As they’re playing, Locke opens up a little to Ben, confessing he’s worried about people regretting following him. But Sawyer assures him they are all sheep. Except Kate. So Sawyer is obviously setting up the double blind con. He sells her out, sorta, so Locke gets all worked up and follows the wrong trail. Meanwhile she has time to bang Ben or do whatever she wants to and then Locke then trusts Sawyer even more. Sawyer is an expert con man, I would expect nothing less. See! They run to the boat house where Miles was held, only to find it empty and we see Sawyer exclaim a half hearted ‘son of a bitch’ and mock surprise.

Meanwhile Kate brings Miles to talk to Ben for exactly one minute. In this one minute conversation, he reveals zero details but does claim he wants 3.2 million dollars in exchange for lying about Ben and faking his death. Blackmail, extortion, these are trivial details. Ben is quickly becoming the voice of the audience, all sassy and asking why Miles wants 3.2 million and not some other number. Miles will ‘take care of Charlotte’ but gives Ben only 2 days (which he gets extended to a week) for the money. Kate pulls him away, and Miles rattles off a bunch of details off her rap sheep. Obviously. Miles’ brilliant suggestion is for her to stay on the island before Locke and Sawyer catch them. Locke threatens Kate with a gun and demands she go back to her house.

Back in her house, Claire and Kate make idle chit-chat before Locke storms in and demands to know about the Miles-Ben conversation. She spills the beans in friendly fashion, but dictator baldy is still all in a huff about her ignoring him. He then banishes her from the camp and I almost wish he branded her with a scarlet letter, Hester Pryne style. I’m pretty sure we could make up a legit sin for any letter.

Kate’s mom (slash Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s mom slash there are way too many people on IMDB who are way too into the porn this actress has done) comes to visit Kate. But Kate is quite standoff-ish, since, as Kate explains, her mom sold her out to the feds. The whole teary-eyed, ‘I thought you were dead’ speech may work on Kate but it does nothing to soften me. But wait, Kate’s steely resolve holds strong, as she simply tells her not to testify. And has the balls to tell her mom to stay the fuck away from her son. Go Kate.

In the barracks, Kate sultrily comes into Sawyer’s room for some ‘I’m getting evicted’ sex. Sawyer ‘unbanishes’ her and though the mood is slightly killed by sounds of Hurley versus the plumbing, they still keep up that whole sexual tension thing.

Charlotte plays some sort of memory game with Dan. He can remember two out of three cards and I hate how a new thread is being set up. Bah. Jack then comes up to the two of them, complaining that his calls are being screened. Honestly, if you kept calling me, I’d screen your calls too Jack. But to get him off their backs, Charlotte reveals the second number and calls Regina. It’s here that it’s revealed the helicopter never made it to the boat, as spooky music swells (slash kills the mood).

The next morning, Locke comes to visit Miles back in the boat house, now completely tied up. Locke explains that he will make Miles tell him everything he wants to know while shoving a live grenade in his mouth. Miles has to keep biting down on the trigger so he doesn’t die. Damn, that’s a move straight out of Jack Bauer’s playbook. Locke then leaves. He may be crazy, but at least he’s a badass, who sassily tells Miles to ‘enjoy [his] breakfast.’

Kate wakes Sawyer up with some sexy kissings and he explicates that he’s ‘okay’ with not going all the way last night. Kate pushes him off though and when Sawyer once again brings up pregnancy, she gets pretty defensive slash denies it. Sawyer looks relieved and Kate takes it as an affront. Sawyer tells it like it is, an excuse to leave, but she ignores it. Suddenly, I am respecting him a little more, even if he makes Kate slap him.

In court, the DA is seemingly having some trouble continue trial, since Kate’s mom is claiming medical reasons for not testifying. The two lawyers go to talk to deals and though Kate is a little quick to jump the gun, since now her lawyer thinks he can get her out, but still doesn’t have to serve jail time. And she wants to walk out the back door again. And my 7th grade humor still giggles.

In the parking lot, Jack stops her for a quick conversation. Slash tries to flirt again. He admits that he still loves her, obviously. But he still cannot face the baby and she takes the hint. It’s a good thing too, because Jack’s beard will be serious trouble, so she dodged a bullet.

Kate returns home and hugs the nanny, I guess. They make idle chit chat and then she goes to see her boy. Named Aaron. OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH.

LOST