Oscar Night Live Blog

8:25: Five minutes until the Oscars start. Regis guides us through the front row of the auditorium, and we learn that Jack Nicholson is there and wearing sunglasses. I'm already annoyed.

8:30: It's starting! No matter how cheesy it is, I secretly love the video introductions where they edit all the movies together. But I have to say, the technology doesn't look too high-quality. But I'm pleased they included Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as Mr. and Mrs. Smith, because I sort of really love that movie.

8:31: Jon Stewart! Wearing a tux! Oh, happy day!

8:32: Jon is going right for the sincere by mentioning the Writer's Strike... first joke of the night is referring to Oscar night as "makeup sex" after the long, bitter fight.

8:34: Oh, Jon, I don't like the shiny strip running down the side of your tux pants.

8:35: Julie Christie looks so gorgeous in her dark red dress! So classy and lovely.

8:35: Is it nerdy that the first time I loved out loud was the Atonement/ Yon Kippur joke?

8:36: Ryan arrives and is already at a disadvantage in our Oscar pool due to his lateness.

8:40: Jon plugs that this is the "Green" Oscars, which I don't think means anything.

8:41: Jennifer Garner needs to get her hair out of her face. At least she's standing up straight.

8:42: That damned Elizabeth movie wins for Best Costume design, making both Ryan and me 0-1.

8:46: Clooney! I like the way he says, "intimate." He presents the 80 years of Oscar montage, and I get a little teary because I love montages.

8:50: iPhone product placement!

8:51: Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway come up. Everyone's been praising her dress, but it's totally derivative of the dress Kate Winslet wore a few years ago. Anyway, Steve Carell is making me miss The Office.

8:53: Ratatouille wins and now Ryan and I are tied.

8:56: La Vie en Rose wins for Best Makeup and I'm winning!!!!

8:58: I'm a sucker for jokes involving harmonicas.

8:59: Amy Adams sings "Happy Working Song" from Enchanted, and Ryan and I debate whether she's lip-synching or not. It's close, but I like Amy Adams so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's really singing. She's so cute, you guys! I like that she didn't need a whole giant production number around her, but I wish she had worn a more appropriate, Princess-y dress.

9:04: Ryan and I spend the commercial break discussing worst dressed so far. My pick is Marion Cotilarrd for her extremely literal take on the mermaid dress. I don't know if you can see, but there are scales on the bottom. Ugh, I hate the French.

9:06: The Rock has really good comedic timing. But I'm still pissed that the Golden Compass won something.

9:09: Cate Blanchett shows her smug little face. The color of the dress is ok, and I can't be too harsh because she's pregnant but her necklace is straight up fug and she needs to brush her hair. Danielle shows up to defend La Blanchett despite all reason.

9:12: They do a montage of Best Director wins and no one gives a shit because directors are not real celebrities.

9:14: The montage goes into Best Actors, and they show Cuba Gooding having a hernia up on stage when he won for Jerry McGuire. Shouldn't the Academy be ashamed of Mr. Snow Dogs and pretend that never happened?

9:16: Best Supporting Actor award! First real award of the night! Jennifer Hudson doesn't even pause as she announces Javier Bardem as the winner. It's such a gimme that she's probably been practicing his name for months. Oh, he's speaking Spanish to his mom! So hot!

9:22: Jon gives us a taste of what the Oscars would be like were the Writer's Strike still going on, which means a lot of montages dedicated to things like binoculars and bad dreams. We try to name the movie as the clips flash by, but we don't do so well.

9:24: Keri Russel comes on stage to do her glowy thing and introduce the song from August Rush. I go to the kitchen to prepare for the crepe-making. I dislike children singing.

9:28: Owen Wilson comes on stage to look sober and present the award for Best Live Action Short. I always pick the one with the best name, which was The Mozart of Pickpockets. And it wins! Strategy prevails!

9:30: Bee Movie? What the fuck is Bee Movie doing here? Oh, a bee montage is actually kind of cool. I'll allow Seinfeld, but after that you have to go back to the Hamptons. They're letting him present Best Animated Short Film? Was Ratatouille busy?

9:34: The Cate Blanchett contingent in this room is torturing me by cheering for her in the Best Supporting Actress category. Go Amy Ryan and her Boston accent!

9:37: Tilda Swinton won! Well, good for her. I read somewhere a few days ago that she has a hard time in Hollywood because her face looks like a brain (not literally), and audiences like actresses whose face looks like a heart (think Reese Witherspoon). She's wearing a giant piece of black velvet, which I strongly disagree with. Oh, she's thanking Clooney! And teasing him for being Batman! Ok, now I love her. I'll take her to lunch and we'll talk about how dreamy Clooney is and how he can do so much better than Little Miss Fear Factor. (Her dress looks like wrapping paper, yes or no?)

9:43: Jessica Alba comes on looking super gorgeous and very pregnant. On the red carpet Ryan Seacrest asked her if she was going to breastfeed, and she looked appropriately shocked and repulsed and told him it was a very personal question. But in guess you're wondering, she eventually did tell him yes.

9:44: Do you notice they always send a really hot, young girl to host the technical awards? I think that's very generous of the Academy.

9:45: First cutaway to Jack Nicholson in the audience. Booo. Second cutaway a few sentences later... keep the lense on James McAvoy, c'mon.

9:46: I like how for the Best Adapted Screenplay they show the writer sitting at a laptop typing or whatever. And I win again with the Coen Brothers! I believe the tally is Julia:5, Ryan:3.

While the Coen Brothers give their speech, let's appreciate Jessica Alba's hair. It's very earth-mother will still being Oscar-glamorous.

9:49: The Academy president comes up to explain how the nominations work. It's boring. But it kind of makes me want to be an account at Price Waterhouse Cooper.

9:52: Miley Cyrus! She looks pretty great in her simple red dress, although on the red carpet she kept doing the duck lips no-teeth smile. But, you know, she's just being Miley.

9:53: Kristen Chenoweth is pretty cute, but I think the grey color was a mistake. Guys, I really liked this part in Enchanted. It's kind of my New York fantasy to lead a giant musical number in Central Park.

10:00: Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen are making me giggle, but just a little. I'm mostly just pissed that Ratatouille got robbed in the best sound editing category. Bring on, sound mixing!

10:05: I picked Transformers for this category because I heard this guy has gotten nominated every year for the past 35 years and never won. Damn you, Bourne Ultimatum!

10:08: The Best Actress montage comes on to remind us that Helen Mirren is the biggest babe in all the land.

10:09: Best Actress time! When the camera cute to Ellen Page everyone in the room said, "Awww! So cute!"
10:12: Marion Cotillard, whatever. Actually, she's pretty cute. Danielle says, "Her face looks like a heart." She was pretty happy and sincere... fine, I'll like her.

10:17: Giant Wii! That's pretty fricking cool. Colin Ferrel looks like a rodent, but I too like sliding across the floor in my shiny shoes. I like how they pick who introduces the Best Song performances; Miley for the Princess song, Colin for the Irish film.

10:18: I saw Once and I was maybe the only person who didn't find it transcendently magical. I thought it was too slim of a movie, and all the songs sound the same. Also, I strongly dislike when writers don't name their characters because they think it's clever.

10:22: Danielle just told us she would date Jack Nicholson. I punch her in the face until reason returns. Yet another montage... I thought this was what the Writer's Strike ending was supposed to prevent? I make a plan with Ryan and Danielle to boo and hiss when they show Crash winning. As the Best Picture winners flash by I find myself having no memory of Million Dollar Baby or Departed winning.

10:27: Renee Zellweger and her squinty eyes come on to announce film editing. I really don't like her and her lemon-sucking face, but I have to give her props for her super buff arms and shoulders. Ryan and I both chose the Diving Bell and the Butterfly, but the Bourne Ultimatum wins! Is this the third Oscar for them? Damn. In other news, I've decided that Renee is too buff and it's making me uncomfortable. Also, I hate her haircut. Her dress is ok.

10:30: Nicole Kidman appears and it looks like a chandelier fell on her head and got caught around her neck. Or, it looks like diamond stalactites are growing on her chest. But pregnancy definitely agrees with her and I'd say she even looks a bit less Botox-y than usual.
10:32: Is this the lifetime achievement award section? I think it's time to make crepes.

10:42: Crepes were a success! Ryan had to take off the fire alarm because it kept going crazy, but I'm enjoying a banana and nutella crepe with whipped cream as I type this. Oh, and I won Foreign Language film with Counterfeiters, because Austria always wins.

10:45: This performance of the song from Enchanted is pretty good... the guy singing is pretty cute in a young, normal way; like you'd see him at the grocery store and think, "Oh, that guy buying beer is pretty cute."

10:48: I really dislike John Travolta. It's time for Best Song... damn, Once snuck in. I guess that's ok. Ryan picked that, so he's closing the gap! Oh man, the Czech girl didn't get to say anything because the Irish boy gave a whole long speech! That's why you don't take men a dozen years older than you: because when you win an Oscar for your duet he'll hog the mike and you won't get to thank your parents.

10:56: Aw, Jon Stewart brought Czech girl back out to give her speech! Date him, Czech girl! She gives a very lovely speech about independent music and not giving up.

10:58: Cameron Diaz and her "just going to the gym and then running some errands!" ponytail comes out for Best Cinematography.

11:00: Dead people montage! I'm betting Heath Ledger will get the last spot with the fade to black.

11:04: Ooh, after Heath Ledger's clip is was a burn up effect, then fade to black, then audience applause, then wideshot of the auditorium lights and another fade to black. Pretty fancy, Academy.

11:09: Atonement wins for Best Score, so Ryan and I both pick up points. We've been slacking on the tallys, but I believe I'm up by one.

11:13: The winner for Best Documentary short is all, "This movie is for lesbians! But, you know, I'm not a lesbian, you guys, I'm married, just so everyone knows. Not a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

11:14: Tom Hanks is looking a little rough around the eyes. Is Colin Hanks calling home in the middle of the night crying about how he's failed to capitalize on all the promise of Orange County?

11:16: I win for Taxi to the Dark Side! And since Ryan and I have the same choices for the rest of the categories, I'm the de facto winner! Yayyy! Excuse me while I go take a victory lap.

11:23: I love Harrison Ford, but he looks like he's about to fall asleep. Pep it up, Harrison! Do you need sometime to give you a feodora and a whip before you show any energy?

11:24: Diablo Cody wins for Best Original Screenplay! Is she the first stripper to win an Oscar? Her dress is not very cute, but I saw a photo of her on the red carpet where her eyes looked gorgeous. Do her earrings have skulls and crossbones on them? Yeah, they do.

11:25: Aw, she thanked her family for loving her exactly the way she is, and then walked away crying! That's pretty sweet and sincere.

11:29: You guys, Helen Mirren is so fucking hot. I want us to have tea and go shopping. Her body is totally fierce, and I don't mean "for an old woman."

11:30: Danielle is about to wring my neck as we argue about whether Cate Blanchett's neck ornament was a necklace or part of her dress. She's mostly convinced me that it's part of her dress, but I still know, deep in my gut, that's it's fug nonetheless.

11:33: Nice ear hoops, Daniel Day-Lewis.

11:41: I really like Martin Scorsese's tuxedo bib thingy. It's very sharp.

11:45: No Country for Old Men wins Best Picture. I'm tired, you guys.

11:46: How did Jon Stewart do as a host? I don't really have an opinion, which is a first. I guess he was good? The ceremony seemed to move fast, I had some laughs. So, sure, thumbs up for Jon Stewart. Thumbs down for Renee Zellweger.

Good night! Everyone have sweet, Clooney-licious dreams!