Science ain't an exact science with these clowns but they're getting better

Sometimes it's hard to balance a show with a huge ensemble cast. So how do you deal with it? Well, as this week's episode of Lost showed us, you just ignore all of the actors except for two. Kudos to those who recognize the title.

We open to a shot of Desmond’s favorite photograph, of him and Penelope. He, Sayid, and Frank are flying the helicopter back to the boat and Frank is doing exactly what Dan told him (follow the course back exactly). Even though it means flying the helicopter through a storm. Sayid is, with good reason, quite confused why they would do such a stupid thing; possibly because he doesn’t want to have to fix the damn helicopter. Again. When Sayid sees the photo, he asks Desmond if that’s his girlfriend. The one not on the boat. When Desmond confirms, Sayid asks what he’s looking for. Desmond’s reply of “answers” is pretty much what every audience member is looking for, and let me tell you, this episode will not be providing any of those. The turbulence is pretty rough and we are treated a shot of Frank struggling with the controls, which only reminds me of a scene from MST3k: The Movie (riffing This Island Earth). “Uhh, should we be seeing this?” This just reminds me that another fun endeavor for this blog would be to record a commentary track to watch along with an episode. What do you think guys?

Suddenly, a clean cut Desmond wakes up in a military camp and is quite disoriented. When his drill sergeant wants to know what’s his problem, Desmond can only vaguely recall what’s been happening in the present as some dream with a helicopter. So unlike his other time traveling flashes, this time he thinks he’s living in the past. And Lost has officially crossed the line from toying with time travel to trying to incorporate it fully. While doing some army exercises slash punishments, he blacks out.

We cut to the present and Desmond, once again, looks disoriented and freaks out. He tries to get out of his seat and when Sayid tries to calm him down, Desmond just looks at him and screams “Who are you? How do you know my name?” So Desmond has ‘left the island’ in more than one sense.

Everyone on the beach is still kind of freaked out since the helicopter has not landed on the boat yet. When Juliet calls out Charlotte on not being worried about them, Charlotte sasses her back with a quip about whispering prayers. But Dan spills the beans about the island and weird changes in perception of time. So he doesn’t really explain anything, he just hopes Frank followed the same trajectory. I still don’t get how this works and am sure there will never be an adequate answer, even in pseudo-science explanations.

Desmond is still flipping a shit and Sayid has to practically strangle him to keep him from messing the helicopter up. I knew they shouldn’t have put crazy time traveling Desmond as the co-pilot. When they land, Sayid takes a gun and some characters on the boat, whose names I did not bother to learn, basically take Desmond to the sick bay (because he’s still freaking the fuck out) and treat him like a loon (well, he’s kinda acting One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, I guess). Sayid doesn’t want to let him out of his sight but even he is outnumbered.

Jump back into the rainy army days and his drill sergeant is still riding his ass because he’s acting pretty crazy. When his friend tries to ask him what’s going on, he just rants about how he’s jumping through time, ending up on the boat. When he remembers he was looking at a photo of Penny, he has the genius realization that he should call her. Because obviously that will help.

After dropping some change, he jumps back onto the boat, still confused. When locked into the sickbay, he starts screaming until another patient calls out to him. He’s suffering the same thing and the annoying lost music swells.

Sayid watches as Frank talks to that one guy. Sayid makes the astute observation that they left at dusk and landed in midday but as someone who should’ve been watching out the window, I feel like he should have some idea of what was going on. Or at least be more freaked out about it. Sayid trades his gun for use of the iPhone, and Frank makes a racist remark about calling Baghdad. Why the fuck did Sayid take that gun in the first place, then? Just a reminder than the writers of Lost never fucking learned Chekhov’s gun. Anyways, Sayid calls Jack and explains that Desmond freaked out, forgot where he is, and is in the sickbay. When Jack asks about these island ‘side effects,’ Dan asks about electromagnetic radiation exposure. This is, in my opinion, another poorly designed device to reveal that The Swan’s explosion was more than them getting rid of that set. At the same time, I don’t know why Jack looks so confused, as if he forgot that part of the island fucking exploded slash we saw Desmond all naked. Why didn’t the naked thing or the time traveling thing happen to Charlie or Locke? Anyways, Dan tries to explain the ‘side effects’ and Juliet tries to trivially compare it to amnesia, but he shoots it down. I hate oversimplified tv analogies, like those common on Star Trek, so good for you Dan.

The other patient in the sick ward, who is restrained, blacks out for a spell and, when he comes to, reveals he was riding a ferris wheel. The doctor comes in and gives him a shot of some mysterious serum but he claims nothing can stop these ‘happenings.’ Though Desmond is still freaked out, the doctor tries very hard to appear non-threatening and gives him an eye exam.

Except that this, of course, induces a time jump. Back in the past, I’ve decided that Desmond’s beret is sweet and that I want one. I should start wearing hats again. Also, he calls Penny in a phone booth (why aren’t there more phone booths around, actual glass booths with doors etc.). Penny is trying to move on with her life, but like classic ex-boyfriend style, he keeps calling and harassing her. Sound familiar?

Snapping back into the present, Desmond is still in the middle of his eye exam and weirds out the doctor. Suddenly, Frank and Sayid bust in and Sayid exerts what is probably more than necessary force to shove the doctor against the wall but not before he trips an alarm. Frank gives Desmond the iPhone so he can talk to Dan. If Dan thinks he such an expert in this field, how come he’s not helping that other guy who is strapped down in there. Anyways, after Desmond reveals he thinks it’s 1996, Dan wants him to go find 1996 Dan and gives him secret information to convince ’96 Dan. Even badass Sayid cannot keep the door closed any longer though and the iPhone is ripped from Desmond’s hand. That’s okay though, it syncs up very well with his next leap into the past.

For someone in the army, he has an easy time leaving and going to Oxford to find ’96 Dan, who happens to have long hippy hair. A professor at Oxford, Dan seems to be giving a student advice but I’m sure it’s no Dead Poets Society. Though skeptical of him at first, after Desmond reveals that ‘[he] knows about Eloise,’ Dan realizes it is truth. Except Desmond doesn’t really know about Eloise, he just knows a name. But Dan takes Desmond to his secret lab anyways. Past Dan tries to make sense of the time stream but Desmond just says no. Because the writers don’t really need to explain anything, right?

Dan dawns a vest (to protect him from long term exposure to radiation) and Desmond makes the astute comment about protecting his head. Dan kind of shrugs it off because it has been my experience that the more serious you take your research the less safety precautions you follow through on. No one in my lab wears safety goggles or gloves. Lab coats just sit on the racks. I’m pretty sure that most nobel prize winners mix chemicals in their mouths.

Anyways, Dan reveals that Eloise is a mouse that, with Desmond’s information, will become unstuck in time. And suddenly I just feel like the writers have been ripping off Slaughterhouse Five. Eloise runs the maze in incredible time because she learned how to do it in the future. Or something. I still don’t get what would happen if Eloise went back in time, how can he test it? Or something.

Alarms ring and Desmond is back on the boat. Sayid has his fists cocked, ready to take down these bitches but Frank just says that Dan wanted to talk to Desmond and then everyone is like ‘let’s go talk to the boss’ and then leave slash lock the losties in there. When crazy other time traveler realizes who Desmond is, he reveals Penelope has been calling the boat. A lot. She had her own private line. Which they always ignored.

Desmond wakes up back in Dan’s lab and he makes some stuff up about why things are happening and also writes some fake science (for example, his Schrodinger Equation lacks the Hamiltonian operator) for some reason. Desmond sees that Eloise has died but Dan has yet to do an autopsy. Because apparently Dan is a physicist slash veterinary forensic scientist. When Dan reveals that the strain of jumping back and forth probably caused an aneurism, Desmond realizes that he may die too. And I am reminded of Flowers for Algernon (or Charly for those who saw the movie). I mean sure, Desmond isn’t any smarter, but he’s worried about ending up like Eloise. Dan explains that everyone needs a ‘constant,’ something the same in both time frames. I don’t see how that helps him realize where he is because that would probably only confuse a time traveler more. Either way, Desmond decides Penny needs to be his girlfriend, but she changed her number. So he runs down the stairwell; well, halfway, until he falls over and ends up back in the present.

Desmond sees his reflection and realizes he is old. But I mean, that happens to me too. I still have to take some time and realize that I am not 13 anymore. In the present too, Desmond wants to call Penny except all the communications equipment broke. Crazy Joe will take them to the room and points out that the door has been unlocked for them, ala the Duex Ex Machina that is Ben’s man on the boat (which Crazy Joe seems to realize). Desmond worries about Crazy Joe’s nosebleed, realizing it foreshadows his own fate. Oh no, pack some tissues!

When he wakes up in the stairwell, Desmond continues his journey to find Penny. This, of course, leads to an auction for a diary from The Black Rock being sold by Tovard Hanso which is won by Charles Widmore. So apparently things are supposed to all tie together. Oooh, spooky. Though Mr. Widmore, quite clearly, hates Desmond, he thinks the greater insult is for Penny to say the same thing slash make Desmond watch him pee. Sometimes I feel like the last person who thinks going to the bathroom needs to be a private affair. So he gives Desmond the address and leaves. What a prick, he didn’t even turn off the sink. And of course our narcoleptic, time traveling, protagonist loses consciousness in this time. If he gives himself a concussion in the past by falling over, will Desmond’s future self remember the consequences?

Crazy Joe babbles on some more about how time traveling will get worse and when they make it to the communications room, he dies a sudden death, mid-sentence. I imagine watching how you are gonna die must be traumatic. Sayid needs only one minute to fix all of this equipment because he is a genius. Desmond sees a calendar and now realizes he’s in the ‘future’ of 2004. As he gets a nosebleed (seriously, didn’t you mom tell you not to pick your nose, Desmond?), Crazy Joe dies part 2, this time in a violent rambling seizure sorta way. If I were Desmond, I’d be pretty freaked too.

Desmond wakes up in the bathroom in the past, the sink flooded and dripping on him. I don’t remember anyone clogging the drain beforehand and you’d think there’d be a janitor in a nice auction house like that but who knows. He goes to find Penny and they have a long chat about feeling for each other and believing in each other and stuff. All very cliché stuff. Cutting to the chase, she gives him her number and he repeats it to himself as she shoves him out the door.

Desmond remembers the number and just in time, as Sayid has fixed the entire communications system on the boat. While we wait for Penny to answer the phone, we’re treated to a shot of past Desmond walking away. As she answers the phone, it becomes apparent that somehow things have corrected themselves and each Desmond remembers everything they should. Because this makes sense. Penny mentions Charlie and I get kinda sad because I miss that little hobbit. As the phone dies, they exchange all sorts of heartfelt emotions but it’s okay because Sayid saved Desmond’s life. Because Sayid is the Jack Bauer of Lost.

Finally, Dan is going over his notebook on the beach, where he reads a note he left himself. “If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be MY constant.” The music swells and I find the final note less revealing or cryptic than it was probably intended. And, like after watching an erotic thriller, I finish feeling unsatisfied.

LOST