I got 99 problems, but a Dick ain't one

It took me three months to finish this recap, but I promise that I'm going to try my very hardest to do the rest of the first season by the premiere of the second on July 27th. In the fifth episode of Mad Men, "5G", Don's secret past cames back to haunt him and the Mad Boys get jealous when Ken gets a short story published in the Atlantic Monthly.

Previously on Mad Men: Don has a mistress named Midge, Pete resents his wife for getting them a gorgeous Park Avenue apartment, and Don is either Batman or some guy named Dick Whitman.

Snazzy credits! Did you know that the theme song is called “A Beautiful Mine” by RJD2?

Don and Betty stumble into their bedroom, obviously drunk and wearing a tux and a fancy dress, respectively. They were at an awards banquet earlier, and Don won a tacky looking plaque with a horseshoe on it. Don tells Betty that no one wants to look like they care about awards. “But you do,” she tells him. He helps her unzip her dress (who know what’s the worst? When your roommate is out and you’re unable to zip or unzip your dress by yourself, and it sends you into the “Why am I going to die alone?” pity spiral. Not that that’s ever happened to me). Betty and Don have that giddy formal wear glow, but instead of having prom night sex they pass out on top of the covers, mostly still dressed. I’ve been there. Don reaches over to turn out the lamp, deems it too far, and rips the plug out of the wall. Also been there. I’ve never fallen asleep in a tux, though, which seems like it would be not at all comfortable.

Hangover time! Don and Betty wake up the next morning, looking way worse for wear. It’s always odd to see Don not perfectly put together, and when I see photos of Jon Hamm as himself I’m always shocked at how he can go from Fiftie’s Style GQ Man to Modern Hobo. To be it a little more nicely, Jon Hamm does not always look as polished in real life as he does on the show. Sally bursts into her parent’s room, telling them that “Ethel,” who must be the cleaning girl, is downstairs making them breakfast, and then she asks about Don’s award. Way to make the little kid do all of the exposition heavy lifting. She asks if it’s an award for “good horses,” (because of the horseshoe), which is an excellent question. Don and Betty kick Sally out so they can be hung over in a little more peace. They’re both coughing a lot in this scene; do most people cough a lot when hung over? Maybe this is some sort of subtle foreshadowing that in a future episode there’s going to be a carbon monoxide link in the Draper home. If Polly the dog alerts the family and gets them outside to safety, thereby saving their lives, Don is going to be so wonderfully smug.

Don enters the office, and the front receptionist tells him that Advertising Age ran a picture of him due to the award he won. Is this the same morning as we just saw? Somehow I doubt Advertising Age is a daily magazine or paper, so I’m going to nitpick and say it’s unrealistic that this random girl would know, ahead of publication time, what photo they’re going to run. Deeper inside the office, Malfoy (or Ken, as he is known on the show) is showing Betty a short story he wrote that Atlantic Monthly published. She’s impressed, and I am too; Atlantic Monthly is a legit magazine (unlike that scummy Reader’s Digest). As Don walks up, Peggy tells him that Pete and Paul “wanted you to know that they were waiting, but they left.” Don dryly says, “That’s rude.” Heh. Also, Don always walks into the office and goes straight into a meeting; I would hate that. If I had Don’s job I would want to have at least a half hour between arriving and having to do any real work, so I could just sit at my desk and mentally prepare myself (by which I mean, stare out the window). Malfoy passes on his good news about the short story to Don, and we get a closeup of the magazine page. His story’s called “Tapping a Maple on a Cold Vermont Morning,” and from the little bio we learn that Kenneth Cosgrove is a graduate of Columbia, Manhattan’s version of Durmstrang. Pete and Paul enter, and when Malfoy shares his good news Pete’s face is all, “There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine.” He manages to stifle the look of nauseous jealousy and congratulate him. Malfoy mentions that he’s also written two novels, one “about a roughneck on an oil rig who has to move to Manhattan because his wife’s mother is sick. The other one, there’s a woman who’s a widow. She kind of got stuck with this family farm, and no one will help her except this boy.” Paul notes with amazement, “Those don’t even sound stupid.”

The Mad Boys get back to business and present their ideas about Liberty Capital Savings to Don. Pete says that the company wants some “irresistible fireworks that’ll bring people to the bank, even if its just to visit.” They get on the topic of women having finances, and Pete is quick to point out that his woman isn’t in charge of the money. Yeah, her daddy is. Don stands up, so you can tell there’s some advertising genius abrewing, and says that they always try to attract wives and families to the bank, but “men need their own accounts, beyond the family.” The Mad Boys throw out ideas: discretionary money, statements sent to the office, “Liberty Capital Private Account.” Don says no, and then says, in the exact same tone that James Bond uses to introduce himself, “executive account.” Well, I’m sold.

The Mad Boys walk out (I guess the good thing about these early morning meetings is that they last four minutes), and Peggy buzzes Don to tell him he has a call from Bix Beiderbecke, who, according to Wikipedia, was a jazz cornet player in the 20’s who died at 28 after drinking too much bathtub gin and having an “alcoholic seizure.” Unfortunately, Wikipedia discounts the rumors that Bix drank so much the coroner got drunk off fumes from his body. I hope my future Wikipedia entry includes the sentence, “her penchant for imbibing was legendary.” But Bix is not calling Don from beyond the grave to ask him how many shots of whiskey it’s appropriate to drink during work hours; it’s just Midge the Mistress, thankfully missing her crazy wig. She tells him, in the dirtiest way possible, that she used the name Bix because “I was thinking of playing the horn this afternoon.” Outside Don’s office, Peggy picks the phone up to make a call, forgetting that Don’s still on the line. She overhears Midget telling him, “I want you to pull my hair and ravish me and leave me for dead.” I’m not sure whether my reaction to that is “Hot” or “Yikes.” Peggy’s leaning towards the latter, and puts the phone down again as quietly as possible. Don comes out a second later and tells her he’ll be back after lunch, and Peggy watches him leave as she realizes her boss is sort of a schmuck.

The Mad Boys are still pouting about Malfoy’s Atlantic Monthly story. Pete hates that Malfoy is from Vermont with a salesman dad, Harry hates that Malfoy didn’t tell anyone until the magazine came out, and Paul hates that Malfoy “just kept walking around, like the idiot he is.” They’re all more than a little jealous.

Over at Midge’s House of West Village Sin, Midge tells Don that she’s satisfied, so he can go. He tells her not to call him at work anymore, and she starts going on about how he’s scared that they might start having conversations, and she’ll become a typical needy woman. She tells him, “I’m sorry your life is in a million pieces.” Hey, he just won an award for good horses! He’s doing great! “It’d be easier for you to have one less,” Midge continues. He apologizes for hurting her feelings, and she tells him, “I like that you come in here, acting like somebody else. It must be so intense about 14th street. [something about a train that I can’t understand because Midge is a slurry, low-talker] That look when I open that door… Sometimes you’re preoccupied but then you always change gears.” Don tells her that he’s doesn’t even think about it—it’s so effortless for Don to be constantly playing a role. She tells him, “I like being your medicine,” which does not sound at all healthy.

Pete and his wife Trudie are in bed together, and she’s reading a short story he wrote. He gets all huffy, asking what’s wrong with it, because he can tell she doesn’t like it. She insists that she does like it, but, “I mostly read the classics. It seemed strange to me, it’s too modern.” People who say that they “read the classics” need to be punched in their pretentious faces. Pete says that that’s sort of a compliment, and Trudie replies, “I just think it’s odd that the bear is talking.” Heh. She tells him he should submit it, and he says he will. “You can run it by Charlie Fitich,” Pete says. Trudie looks very unhappy at this order, and doesn’t understand why he wants her to call Charlie now. Pete brings it back to Ken Cosgrove, lowly account executive and future dark wizard. Pete keeps pressuring Trudie to call Charlie: “You said you’d do anything for me.” Trudie can’t believe that Pete really wants her to see Charlie, since Pete was very upset when he found out that Charlie was Trudie’s “first.” Pete tells her that “this helps makes up for that.” I’m sure I don’t have to point out how gross it is for a husband to force his wife to do something in order to “make up” for the fact that she wasn’t a virgin when they got married.

Don arrives at work, and Peggy wordlessly takes his hat and coat—she’s obviously being a bit distant as a result of Don’s afternoon delight yesterday. Don heads into a meeting with the Mad Boys, Slattery, and Joan the sexy office manager. Slattery is complimenting Malfoy on his story, since it shows fortitude, and “I guarantee that in the bottom drawer of every desk in this place is the first ten pages of a novel.” “Five,” Don corrects him. They get to work, with Joan asking for the status on the present accounts: when checks are coming in, when ads will run, how the lawsuit against Lucky Strike is going. Peggy interrupts the meeting to tell Don that an “Adam Whitman” is there to see him. Don is noticeably flustered, and leaves to “deal with this.”

Out by reception is a blond man in an ugly flannel jacket, who looks at Don and says, “It’s you. It’s really you. Dick… I can’t believe it.” Don plays dumb, but Adam tells him that it’s his little brother, all grown up. Don keeps pretending he doesn’t know who Adam is, but Adam isn’t giving up. He saw the magazine in someone’s trash can (he’s working as a janitor) and “I thought I saw a ghost!” Don insists that Adam is mistaking him for someone else, and Adam tells him, “You’re at work, I can come back another time.” Instead, Don tells him to go wait for him at a nearby coffee shop. Adam: “That’s swell!” This kid is ridiculously chipper. Don practically pushes Adam into an elevator, then walks back through the office. His inner monologue reads something like, “Hold it together Dick… I mean Don!” He goes back into the meeting, and stares blankly at the table until Joan asks him about the Liberty Capital meeting. Slattery thanks everybody for being able “to make it sound as if they’re working so hard.” Don leaves the room quickly, and then, out in the office, Peggy watches as Don strides out the door to yet another of his secret lives.

At the coffee shop, Don enters and Adam excitedly says, “I can’t believe this. It is really you.” Don gets down to business: “What do you want from me?” Adam can’t believe that Don has nothing to ask his long lost brother. Don stubbornly insists again that “that isn’t me,” although I’d say that by showing up to this lunch, he’s proven that it is. Adam isn’t easily swayed, and asks, “What happened to you? Why did you do that? Why did you leave me?” Don says that he couldn’t go back there, the way pretty boy criminals say they can’t go back to being someone’s prison bitch. Adam isn’t letting Don get him down, and laughs, “Donald Draper? What kind of name is that?” Don asks what difference it makes, then forces himself to ask what happened to “her.” Adam asks, “Mom?” and Don replies, “She wasn’t my mother. She never let me forget that.” Adam says that she died of stomach cancer, and Don replies, “Good.” I’m imagining a very V.C. Andrews sort of upbringing in the Whitman household—I’m intrigued, to say the least. Adam says that “Uncle Mac” died too, and gets all choked up. Adam asks, “Did you miss me at all?” For a long moment Don is silent, then tells him, “Of course I did.”

Trudie is visiting Charlie Fitich, the publishing guy, at his office. He tells her that he enjoyed the story, “as much as anyone can enjoy that kind of thing.” He knows that it doesn’t matter whether he really liked it; “it matters that I publish it, right?” Charlie’s head is very, very oval. Trudie tries to change the subject to Charlie’s girlfriend, but Charlie has other priorities. He tells her that he misses her, and “being with her.” Oh yes, as if Trudie doesn’t have enough oooky men indulging in inappropriate behavior in her life, Charlie wants to become Trudie’s mistress. He tells her it doesn’t have to be anything more than sex, and she says that she can’t. She says that she’s a newlywed, and that maybe they’ll have one of those movie affairs in the future, when they’re old. Charlie says, “I want you now, I don’t want you old.” Charlie is obviously not a Love in the Time of Cholera fan. Trudie again tells him no, but she knows that this is not going to be good for Pete’s writing aspirations.

Betty has brought Sally and Robert to the Sterling Cooper offices. Peggy stands up, shocked to finally be meeting the Mrs. Draper. Betty is there to get Don for their family portraits, but Don is off with his long lost brother. Peggy runs back and forth around the office, with no idea what to do until she sees Joan. She sums up the situation (ending with, “and I don’t know who to lie to!”) and Joan tells her to slow down. Peggy goes through the various fibs she could tell, and Joan asks where Don actually is. Peggy lies that she doesn’t know, but Joan is way too good at being Joan to accept that: “You do know, and you’re going to tell me, or I’m not going to tell you what to do.” Peggy tells Joan about “this woman,” who he went to see and came back “all greasy and calm.” Joan tells her to tell the truth: she doesn’t know where he is and she forgot to remind him, and when Don comes back he can make up an excuse and “start apologizing for, well, how stupid you are.” Peggy realizes that she definitely shouldn’t have told Joan about Don’s affair, and Joan agrees.

Don is still having lunch with Adam. Adam asks where Don’s been, and he says, “Around. Here, mostly.” Adam says that he’s not mad, he just wants to know: “Who is Donald Draper?” If there ever was a million dollar question, that would be it. He asks if Don has a family, and Don (maybe remembering his family portrait) says he has to go. Adam’s sunny façade finally cracks and he says, “I don’t understand why you’re being like this. When I was little I used to imagine this day, and here it is. I don’t understand, I’m family. I just want to be a part of your life.” Don gets up and says that that’s not going to happen, and that “this never happened.”

Back at the office, Peggy is about to have an aneurism entertaining Betty and the kids. Betty asks whether Peggy has “a boyfriend, or a steady?” I halfway expect her to burst into “Summer Lovin’” at this point. They make some more small talk about how Don treats Peggy, and Betty says, “Don’t you just hate it when his mouth runs on and on?” Peggy doesn’t get the joke, and Betty tells her, “You probably know more about him than I do.” Betty is so depressing. Finally, Don comes in, and answers Peggy’s apology for not reminding him with his own apology about not checking in before he went to the printer’s. Peggy is ready for her moment of acting glory, and goes on and on about how sorry she is for this mistake. As the happy family walks out, Peggy’s head falls and she takes a breath for the first time since Betty walked in.

Betty and her neighbor, Francine the pregnant smoking woman, sit in the Draper’s kitchen and look at the family portrait photos. Yeah, they’re pretty bad. Francine tells her that they’re not terrible, and besides, “How’d you like to be in Helen Bishop’s family portrait?” Betty says that she wants to take them again, because “Sally looks fat.” Aw, Sally is adorable! Betty mentions that she expects the royal treatment when she walks into Don’s office (I guess, since it’s an ad firm, they have a photography studio in the building and that’s where the photos were taken?). She says Sterling Cooper is “like another country where I don’t speak the language.” Francine agrees that “all that Manhattan talk” at her husband’s office makes her feel stupid, and Betty nods in agreement. She says, “Our husbands… they are better out here, aren’t they?” “Infinitely,” Francine replies. I think that Don would disagree to an infinite degree.

The Mad Boys are pitching Don’s “executive account” idea to Liberty Capital Savings. Paul takes over, explaining how the modern man has many different expenses (presents for his wife, doggies for his kids, odd wigs for his mistress…), and Liberty Capital can help him keep them all straight. The Liberty Capital guy likes it and laughs, “Liberty for the libertine.” Don asks why it’s funny, and the guy says that some of his customer’s are already doing it, but now that they have a name for it, the bank can start charging for it.

Don walks back to his office, picking up his mail from Peggy. Inside an envelope labeled “Private”, he finds a photo of himself in an army uniform, with his arm around a young Adam. There’s also a note on hotel stationary that reads, “If you change your mind. #5G.”

In the Slytherin common room, Malfoy is telling some of the secretaries about the two books he’s written. Paul, a Hufflepuff if I’ve ever seen one, interrupts to say that he finished reading Malfoy’s short story, and he wants a copy to give to his girlfriend. He takes the Atlantic Monthly Malfoy is holding and roughly rips the story out. Paul says that Malfoy “has like fifty more copies, right?” Malfoy says that maybe he does, but “it’s on like every newsstand in town.” Paul gives a little wave to the ladies and walks out.

Don leaves his office, and tells Peggy that he’s going home for the day. Peggy obviously doesn’t believe him. As soon as Don’s out of sight, Joan swoops in and says to Peggy, “I’ve always wondered why he’s ignored me. Probably because he’s so good-looking he can go outside the office for whatever he wants. Most of these fellas can’t.” Peggy quietly says that she thought Don was different (she thought he was a Mad Man, not a Mad Boy!), and Joan tells her to just keep Don’s record clean, “here and at home. Honestly, if he sees that in you, you are solid gold.” Peggy’s more than a little disillusioned to realize that this is part of her job description. Joan tells her that that’s how these men are, “and that’s why we love them.” Peggy says, “This job is odd,” and Joan lustfully replies, “But it’s the best.”

Malfoy is leaving for the day when Paul comes to apologize for “being a bear. I knew I was competing neck to neck with people in this place. I didn’t know I was competing with you too.” Malfoy shrugs and says with satisfaction, “You lost.” Paul gives Malfoy a look that says, “You just burned me… and I sort of liked it.”

At Pete and Trudie’s Apartment of Ickiness, dinner is on the table and so is disappointment. Trudie tells him that Charlie Fitich came by the house earlier that day, and Pete’s story is going to be published in Boy’s Life magazine. Pete’s excitement disappears, because “that story was good enough for the New Yorker, and don’t act like those magazines do everything on merit.” Trudie is surprised he isn’t happy, and Pete says, in the slimiest tone possible, “You don’t want me to have what I want.” Trudie says, “I could have gotten you in the New Yorker. Or in the Encyclopedia Britannica if I wanted to.” Pete, understanding every ounce of subtext, asks, “So? Why didn’t you?” Trudie responds, “Why would you do that to me? Why would you put me in that position?” Instead of explaining why he’s willing to pimp out his wife in order to show up one of his co-workers, Pete downs his drink.

At the Draper home, Betty and Don are discussing summer vacation plans. Betty and the kids will spend August in Cape May, while Don will mostly be in the office. Betty mentions Peggy, and that “a woman just can’t remark on her husband’s secretary.” Don doesn’t answer for a second, then says that he might have to go back to the office. Betty nods, while the normal reaction would be, “Uh, it’s 8 at night and we’re in the suburbs? Hello?” In the next scene, Don uses his lighter to burn the old photo of him and Adam. What a drama queen—just rip it into tiny pieces and flush it like any normal, non-pyromaniac person. He lights up a cigarette and then picks up Adam’s letter.

Don calls Adam’s hotel and says, “I need to see you tonight, are you busy?” Adam replies, “For you? Of course not!” Don says he’ll be there in 25 minutes, and Adam excitedly starts planning the cocktail menu. On paper, the dialogue in that scene is soooo booty call. Don hangs up, then unlocks a drawer in his desk. Then he pulls out his briefcase and opens it. And then he stares at them both for a few seconds. Reorganization project, perhaps?

Don and his mysterious briefcase arrive at Adam’s crappy hotel. Adam’s all, “I’m so glad you changed your mind! Come in! Is it alright if I change into something more comfortable?” Don’s all, “Hey, slow down, I just came here to talk.” Adam’s all, “We don’t have to talk! This isn’t so hard. Just take off your pants…” Don cuts the dirty talk to explain that his life “only goes in one direction: forward.” Adam tries to fix Don a drink, then tells him how great the Sterling Cooper offices were, and how Don must be pretty important to win that award. “Everybody always said you were too smart for your own good. Of course, Uncle Mac thought you were soft. But you’re not, are ya?” Don agrees that he’s not, then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a giant stack of cash-- $5,000. I like that the title of this episode, 5G, refers to both Adam’s hotel room and the five grand. Don tells Adam to take it, leave New York, and never contact Don again. Adam says that that’s not what he wanted, and Don tells him it’s all he can do. He says, “You thought I was dead. Just go back to thinking that.” Adam starts to tear up, and Don tells him to take the money and make his own life. They share a brotherly hug of payoffs and fake names, and Don leaves.

Back at the Draper home, Betty is reading a magazine in bed. After asking Don about the crisis in the office, Betty says that she knows he doesn’t like going to her father’s house in Cape May, especially that he might be there for part of it. Don says that he just doesn’t like the way Betty’s dad looks at him. Betty suggests that they buy their own summer house, closer to the city. Don’s like, “You want me to bribe secret brothers and buy you a beach house? Really?” He tells her he’d rather wait until next year, and she says that’s fine. Betty turns off the light, and lies down on Don’s chest (who’s still sitting upright—if he tries to sleep like that, his back is gonna hurt like hell in the morning).