The Best TV has to Offer

A while back, Julia made the astute comment that theme songs just aren't what they used to be. So, I took it upon myself to find the best out there. And this is what I came back with.


Top tv theme songs

Top 5 Overrated Themes:
In researching these lists, I poured over the lists of many others I could find. Here are the 5 worst themes that I saw way too frequently.

5. Dawson’s Creek

I hate this song so much

4. Six Feet Under

I even like Six Feet Under a lot. This theme is just not memorable.

3. M*A*S*H

I think I just never really liked M*A*S*H and immediately changed the channel.

2. Miami Vice


1. MacGyver


5 of the Best Themes that I just couldn’t fit into a category:

5. The Monkees


4. Cheers


3. Batman


2. Friends


1. Iron Chef



Top 5 Explanatory Theme Songs:

5. Beverley Hillbillies


4. Brady Bunch


3. Addams Family


2. Gilligan’s Island


1. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

If you cannot sing along to this, get out of my face.

Top 5 TV Land/Nick at Nite Themes:

5. Mary Tyler Moore Show


4. Happy Days


3. I Dream of Jeannie


2. Three’s Company


1. The Greatest American Hero


Top 5 Puppet Show Themes:

5. Sesame Street


4. Land of the Lost


3. Mystery Science Theater 3000


2. Fraggle Rock


1. The Muppet Show



Top 5 Themes still on TV:

5. Weeds

For the record, my favorite cover of this is by Death Cab, beating out The Shins, Regina Spektor, The Decemberists, and Jenny Lewis.

4. Law and Order: SVU

By far the best of the three.

3. Scrubs


2. House


1. The Office



Top 5 Animated Themes:
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles


4. Pinky and the Brain


3. The Simpsons

This version is ridiculously cool.

2. Animaniacs


1. Captain Planet

Recycle bitch!

Top 5 Themes that might have had ‘A Very Special Episode’:

5. Growing Pains


4. Blossom


3. Saved by the Bell


2. Family Matters


1. Full House



Top 5 Classic Nick Themes:
5. Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I’ll admit it, sometimes this was the scariest shit on SNICK.

4. Hey Dude


3. Clarissa Explains it All


2. Salute Your Shorts
Salute Your Shorts
It’s got the fucking guitarist from Rilo Kiley in it.

1. Pete and Pete



Top 5 Lyricless Themes:
5. Hawaii Five-O

About a billion times better than Jack Johnson.

4. The West Wing

W.G. Snuffy Waldon is the man.

3. Seinfeld

It really put bass on the map.

2. The X Files


1. The Andy Griffith Show


And my number 1 favorite theme song of all time:

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Israel is for Lovers

In the fifth episode of Mad Men, Babylon, Don tries to figure out the Jews, Slattery plays around with the hottest redhead in the office, and Peggy impresses some important people.

Previously on Mad Men: Don kissed Rachel Menken, the Jewish department store princess, met Adam, the incessantly earnest long lost brother, and fought with Midge, the TV-receiving, wig-wearing mistress.

At the Draper home, Don is smoking and making breakfast. He carries a tray of food (with a flower and the comics section, so you can guess it’s for Betty) up the stairs, but then steps on a toy and falls, dropping the tray. Suddenly, in the dining room, there’s a bunch of old people dressed in 40’s-style clothing. One man turns to Don, lying on his back on the floor, and says, “Dick Whitman, you watch where you’re going. You’re going to break your neck.” Don stares in confusion, and the old man asks, “You going to cry or get up?” And then Don is replaced by a skinny boy in short pants and a bad bowl cut, about 10 years old. Child Dick tells “Uncle Mac” that he’s getting up, and goes into the dining room to meet baby Adam. The mom tells Dick, “The Lord have given us a blessing. You have a new brother.” Dick says, with a bit of a southern accent, “He ain’t my brother.” Uncle Mac says that they have the same father, and the mom looks lovingly at her baby as she says that she named him Adam, after the first man. Dick (who is really not a cute child) looks behind him to see Don, still lying on his back by the stairs.

The fantasy/flashback is interrupted by the kids and Betty, coming to see what the noise was. As Betty runs down the stairs to see if he’s all right, Don shrugs and wishes her a happy mother’s day. Later, Don and Betty carry their two sleeping kids inside, with Sally still clutching a balloon. The camera follows the balloon as the parents bring the kids to their bedroom, and I’m trying to figure out what this balloon symbolizes—childhood innocence? Sally’s hopefully intact virginity? Anyway, in his own bed, Don is reading Rona Jaffe’s book The Best of Everything, which is (as far as I can gather from Amazon), a semi-trashy book about four young women and their adventures in 1950’s Manhattan. He tells Betty that the book is “fascinating,” and dirtier than the film version (which starred Joan Crawford!). Betty rags on Joan Crawford’s eyebrows, and Don notes that “all men like Joan Crawford. Salvatore couldn’t stop talking about her.” And no one else has figured out that Sal’s gay? Betty says that she doesn’t want to get old like Joan Crawford, but instead “just disappear at that point.” Don reassures her that “at the first sign of crow’s feet, I’ll put you on an ice floe.” How romantic! Betty says that her mother was “still very fetching” before she died, and Don stops her and says, “No, no melancholy.” Yeah, mourning for your dead mother is so unsexy. Betty attempts to stand up for herself and says, “I’m allowed to be sentimental on Mother’s Day,” but Don says that it’s Betty’s Mother’s Day, not her mom’s. Betty insists that she’s remembering her mother in a positive way, and mentions that Dr. Wayne, her therapist, recommended a book on the mourning process. Don acts dismissive about Betty’s therapy, and tells her that “mourning is just extended self-pity.” He launches into a description of the mourning process of pygmies, and then manages to segue into putting the moves on Betty. Never let it be said that Don Draper is not a smooth one. They banter cutely about “reproductive studies,” and while Betty got an A, Don says that he flunked the whole thing. “Well, that’s because you got caught cheating,” she says, and Don wonders if he’s finally been busted. But no, Betty’s just joking, and Don turns off the light… Don’s ready for business, but Betty wants to share her feelings some more. She tells him that being with him is all she thinks about; everything she does during the day “is in a kind of fog because I can’t stop thinking about this. I want you, so badly.” You think that if she’s really as horny as she claims, she’d be doing a little less monologuing. “You have me,” Don tells her.

The next day at Sterling Cooper, Don has a meeting with Nick from Olympic Cruise Lines, Yuri from the Israeli Ministry of Tourism, and Lily Meyer. They’re looking to promote new cruises to the Israeli Riviera—“a land of exotic luxury.” Lily tells them that they were going to try another agency down the street, but some of their ideas “were a little kitsch. We thought we’d try a traditional way as well.” Don says that Sterling Cooper doesn’t like to think of itself as traditional, and Yuri corrects that they’re looking for glamour. Lily says that there’s always been a love affair between the US and Israel, and “we’d like to bring the two parties together.”

After the meeting, Slattery meets his wife and daughter, Margaret, in the office. They stopped by on the way to get Margaret a haircut; Slattery tells her that he likes how her ponytail makes her look young, and she brats back, “I like your hair, Daddy, it makes you look old.” Mrs. Slattery says they need to find the right hair salon, so Slattery asks his secretary, Ginger for a recommendation: “Oh, I cut my own hair.” Ginger is totally the Dwight Schrute of this office. Don and Joan come walking up, and Margaret snaps to attention at the sight of dreamy Don. Joan says that she knows just the place to get Margaret’s hair cut, and the women swoop away.

Later, in a bedroom, we see Slattery saying, “A haircut is the least of Margaret’s problems. She’s dated what, two boys? One of them joined the service and the other one committed suicide.” He continues whining that she doesn’t want to do anything, so she’s useless: “I don’t know what we did wrong.” The camera cuts away to the bathroom to show not Slattery’s wife but… Joan, putting her dress on. She tells Slattery that he’s being too hard on his daughter, and that both Slattery and Margaret are spoiled. She walks over to him to get help zipping up her dress, and he tries to convince her to come back to bed instead of going back to work. Joan points out that the boss can play hooky, but she can’t. Slattery is wearing boxer shorts and knee high black socks with those weird knee suspender things that keep socks up—and somehow, he’s still sort of sexy. He tries to convince her to stay and eat some of the room service they ordered: “Oysters Rockefeller, Beef Wellington, Napoleon—we leave this lunch alone it’ll take over Europe.” Joan says that eating food so close to bed reminds her of a hospital, and Slattery suggests that, if she had an apartment, they could go there and she could cook for them. “Don’t you like things the way they are?” she says, and he agrees that this has been the best year of his life. “Do you have any idea of how unhappy I was before I met you?” he says. He says he’s tired of sneaking around, and she tells him, “I know that the sneaking around is your favorite part.” He says, while groping her amazing rack, that he has a lot of favorite parts. “I’d like to get you in little fourth floor walk-up somewhere, with no doors or windows, and lock you up for a week.” Does Slattery have some sort of Rapunzel fetish? She says that she likes hotels, a week is a considerable length of time, and she has her own life. She has her roommate, Carol, and all their gentleman friends. Slattery asks, “So you think it’d be lonely?” “I think it’d be half as much fun alone,” she replies. “You can get a bird!” he says, which is the least sexy suggestion any man has ever made. Joan just wants to enjoy what they have for now, since she’ll eventually find “a more permanent situation, and you’ll find a new model.” Slattery tells her, “Whatever you want, Red.”

In a far less fun room, Don is looking at photos from the Holocaust. Pete, Salvatore and Paul are there too, brainstorming how to convince travelers to visit Israel. Don suggests it would help if “they stop blowing up hotels,” and Pete wants to try and exploit the danger. Pete calls the kibbutz’s and communes “positively Soviet,” but the others point out how popular the book Exodus is with white bread America. Don sums up: “We have a quasi-communist state, where women have guns, and it’s filled with Jews.” Salvatore lays down a magazine cover of woman who looks like a Jewish Sophia Loren, and points out that the people are good looking, at least. “The Jews there don’t look like the Jews here. Have you been to the diamond district?” Don dismisses the other three from his office, and calls the hottest Jew this side of the Red Sea: Rachel Menken. He asks if they can get together, but she won’t agree until he assures her that it’s both business and important. Rachel shoots down his proposal of drinks in favor of lunch at some tea room, so Don knows that there’ll be no hanky panky.

At the Draper home, Don is reading Exodus in bed while Betty gets into her pajamas. She mentions that the first boy she ever kissed was Jewish: her friend had a friend, “Beth Gold…silver, something,” who invited them to a mixer at her synagogue, and Betty danced with a handsome Jewish boy. She tells Don how Beth told everyone on the school bus that she was “necking with David Rosenberg… the looks they gave me.” Don looks at his wife as if realizing for the first time that she might have some sort of interior life beyond him. She leans in to start necking with her husband, but Don tells her it’s too hot for that. Don’s wearing a full length flannel pajama suit, by the way.

The next day, Salvatore and Malfoy go into some guy named Fred’s office; Fred has a big bottle of vodka on his desk and is making a screwdriver. Salvatore shows him the previous ads for a cosmetics company called Belle Jolie, who make hundreds of colors of lipstick but have poor sales. Salvatore makes fun of the lipstick names: “Passionflower peach, tropical boudoir red, Ethel Rosenberg red…” Fred laughs, “Yeah, ‘wear it to the chair.’” Malfoy quotes a little bit of the research, but Fred says he’s stumped, because he doesn’t “speak moron. Do either of you speak moron?” The other two men shake their heads, so Fred gestures out to the office and says, “Let’s throw it to the chickens.”

Joan leads the ladies of the office, giggling and excited, into a room set up with rows of makeup mirrors. She locks them in the room (creepy!) and announces that “Belle Jolie wants us to tell them what we think about their new line of lipsticks!” which is sort of a lie. Belle Jolie doesn’t care what they think; the men of the office just want to gawk at pretty women instead of doing their work. And indeed, on the other side of a two-way mirror, the Mad Boys are fixing themselves drinks and agreeing that this is better than “X-ray specs.” Back among the women, Joan assures them that brainstorming is not as difficult as it sounds, and there are no wrong answers. As she unpacks a big box of lipsticks, all the women gasp and start grabbing for a tube—except Peggy, who’s a little more hesitant. Salvatore stands by the two-way mirror and criticizes the women’s taste, clothing, and wigs. Seriously, does Salvatore have to wear a leather vest to work before they figure out his sexual orientation? But I guess his lack of respect for women (because he isn’t sexually interested) isn’t far off from every other man’s lack of respect (because they don’t have any interest beyond sex). Paul asks if anyone minds if he takes off his pants.

A stern older woman (the same German woman from the pilot who told Don about the death drive, maybe?) asks the ladies questions like, “How many lipsticks do you own?” and “Do you match your lipstick to your clothing or accessories?” Joan, standing supportively behind her, says, “I know, this seems like a loaded question.” In the men’s room, Slattery enters and pours himself a cup of… cream? Yikes. Joan has some sort of radar for when her lover has entered the room, and very deliberately turns her back to the mirror and bends over a table, giving the men a full view of her (sort of spectacular) ass. Led by Malfoy, all the men stand and salute Joan’s hotness—except Slattery, in the back, who wants to be the only one to objectify Joan. Paul points to Peggy, who isn’t as enthusiastic about trying on lipsticks as everyone else. She watches the other women happily play with the makeup, particularly one woman who is using a tissue to blot her lipstick.

Over at the tea room, a giant cart of scones is wheeled by Don. Oh man, now I really want some scones. Rachel Menken arrives and is obviously determined not to get sucked into Don’s charisma whirlpool. She wants to talk business, and Don wants to tell her how beautiful she looks. Don asks for her help with the cruise to Israel thing. “So I’m the only Jew you know in New York City?” she asks. “You’re my favorite,” he replies, making her laugh awkwardly and look away. He brings up Exodus (Exodus is totally the Reader’s Digest of this episode) and spills some of his drink down his shirt. Rachel softens and leans forward to help clean his tie. “You’re usually so put together,” she says softly. Rachel tells him she’s not an expert on Israel, and Don tells her, “I just want to know something about it that doesn’t come from some Ministry of Propaganda.” She says that she’s really not very Jewish, and if her name was Marilyn instead of Rachel no one would know the difference. “What is the difference?” Don asks. She tells him, “Jews have lived in exile for a long time. First in Babylon [we have an episode title!], then all over the world… and we’ve managed to make a go of it.” She says that Jews happen to be great at doing business with people who hate them, and Don earnestly tells her he doesn’t hate her. She shrugs and continues: “A country for… those people, as you call us, it seems very important.” He asks why she isn’t living there, and Rachel replies that she’ll visit, but her life is here. “For me it’s more of an idea than a place.” “Utopia,” Don says, and reaches out to hold her hand. After a long second, Rachel pulls her hand back and says that at Barnard she learned that the Greeks has two meanings for utopia: the good place, and the place that cannot be.

Back at Sterling Cooper, Joan dismisses the women and thanks them for their cooperation. Fred says that now they have to count how many shades the women tried, and asks Peggy to bring him the trash can full of tissues the women used to blot their lips. She does, and calls the can a “basket of kisses.” Fred is tickled by this turn of phrase, and wonders where she heard that. She says she just thought it up, and Fred is shocked that a woman could have an original idea. He asks which lipsticks she liked, and Peggy tells him how one of the other women took her color, and she didn’t try another because she’s very particular. Fred asks, “As opposed to the other girls?” and Peggy, seeing Joan watching the exchange, says, “I don’t think any girl wants to be one of a hundred colors in a box.” Joan heads over and tells Peggy to stop complaining and get back to work.

In his office, Don tells Peggy over the intercom to cancel his afternoon appointments, and starts packing up his briefcase as Fred and Salvatore walk in. Fred mentions that “pretty Peggy Sue” is full of surprises, and Don is like, “Her?” He says he tries to “avoid eye contact in order to avoid being blinded by the earnestness.” Fred praises her “basket of kisses” line, and that hearing her speak intelligently was “like watching a dog play the piano.” Oh, Mad Men, the day you stop having the most misogynistic characters on television is the day we stop loving you.

After the break, Rachel is talking on the phone to her sister, Barbra, and says, “I think I might have met somebody,” but he “has some serious limitations.” Let’s see, what are Don’s limitations: married with kids, secret brother, fake name, futzy pajamas… yes, those are serious limitations indeed. Rachel continues that he’s not Jewish, so Daddy would hate him. Barbra points out that Rachel is 28 and works 60 hours a week, so it doesn’t matter what Daddy thinks. Rachel admits that she wants him, and wants to ignore all his flaws. Barbra tells her that it’s 1960, “we can marry for love!” Rachel is cynical about that idea, because there isn’t a future in loving Don. Barbra tells her to forget the wedding and be a modern woman. I don’t know if I want Rachel to get involved with Don; I like her, and I think the two have way better chemistry than Don and Midge, but I like the Rachel that’s independent and principled and strong. I don’t want to see her get tossed around by Don.

Back at the office, Peggy is filing when Joan comes by to tell her that Fred “wants you to put your industrious little mind to work coming up with copy for Belle Jolie lipsticks.” Peggy doesn’t get it, but is excited for the opportunity even if it means more work and no raise. She asks Joan if she should go thank them, and Joan says, “No need. They wanted me to tell you. They were very specific about it.” Peggy understands that by sending Joan they’re telling her that she’s still just a lady secretary, not a copywriter like the other men. Like Joan says, gesturing to herself, “the medium is the message.”

After work, Don heads over to surprise Midge at her apartment. Midge answers the door in her underwear, probably just to annoy me. They start necking when there’s a knock on the door—it’s Roy, who we can tell is a beatnik because he has facial hair and wears a vest. He says that one of their friends is playing jazz at a club tonight, and she should come, “that is, if Dad will let you out.” Midge tells Don it’ll be fun, but Don demurs that he’s going to stay there. Midge whispers to him, “I’ll wear a skirt, and nothing else,” and Don is in.

Joan walks into a hotel where Slattery is waiting and drinking. She tells him how one of the media buyers ambushed her in the elevator, wanting to take her to the ballet. He says that the men at work “probably couldn’t help themselves, the way you glide around that office like some magnificent ship.” Joan laughs, then sees the birdcage in the corner of the room. “What am I supposed to do with it?” she asks, and Slattery says, “the store lady says you can do anything but put the cage in the radiator.” He tells her that he’s sorry, but he just hates the thought of having to share her. He lifts her up onto the bed and starts kissing her neck as he says that Mona, his wife, is going away to visit her parents for the weekend. The mention of his family, plus the chirping of the bird, compels Joan to push him away until he goes and covers the bird’s cage again. I guess Joan doesn’t want to be reminded of her future if she keeps on as Slattery’s mistress.

At a bar downtown, Midge and Don walk in as some hippie reads wedding announcements or something. Roy is talking about an “artist” who collects miniature replicas of US monuments and then sticks him up his ass. Roy also sits in between Midge and Don, which is going to make her commando situation a lot less exciting for Don. Roy asks what Don does, and proclaims Madison Avenue to be a “gas.” “Perpetuating a lie. How do you sleep at night?” Roy asks, and Don replies, “A bed made of money.” The two sling insults at each other about the soulless nature of advertising, and Roy brags about the theater he’s going to start, which Midge’ll join. Midge demurs that she only said she’d think about it, and the threesome turn their attention to the new performer, who’s talking about a dream she had about having sex with Fidel Castro. After she finishes, the crowd claps and a few people yell, “Take off your shirt!” What is this, Mardi Gras? Or that scene in Forrest Gump when Jenny is playing acoustic guitar in a strip club? The next performer is Midge’s friend, who is, by happy coincidence, singing about Babylon and Zion! A montage starts, and we see Rachel staying late at her department store, Betty putting lipstick on her daughter, Sally, Don getting a little teary-eyed, and Joan getting dressed and taking her bird after her tryst with Slattery (she’s wearing a leopard coat over her bright red dress, and it’s perfection). We see her leave the hotel and wait at the curb for a cab; a few seconds later, Slattery follows and waits for his own cab twenty feet away. The two ignore each other, and the episode ends.

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Build Blocks part duex

Thinking about Psych (and the subsequent friendship of Shawn and Gus) and watching Grosse Pointe Blank (true friends, like John Cusack and Jeremy Piven, help each other burn a corpse, no questions asked) plus everything going on now, made me think of some of my favorite television friendships.

But first, though I hate to tack on an honorable mention, I want to add one more quote to the list of quotes on friendship:

(Because someone must stay behind during the State of the Union, in case of disaster)
President Josiah Bartlet: Roger, If anything happens, you know what to do, right?
Secretary of Agriculture Roger Tribbey: I honestly hadn't thought about it, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: First thing always is national security. Get your commanders together. Appoint Joint Chiefs, appoint a chairman. Take us to defcon 4. Have the governors send emergency delegates to Washington. The assistant Attorney General is going to be the Acting A.G. You got a best friend?
Secretary of Agriculture Roger Tribbey: Yes, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Is he smarter than you?
Secretary of Agriculture Roger Tribbey: Yes, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Would you trust him with your life?
Secretary of Agriculture Roger Tribbey: Yes, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: That's your chief of staff.
Dedicated to my Chief of Staff

Top 5 TV friendships:

5. Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborne (The West Wing)
There are several flaws with their relationship that really stems from underdevelopment but I just love that Josh, not once but twice, can show up in the middle of Sam’s day and just smile. And Sam knows that he should follow him. A bond that withstands time and distance. As I left high school and as I get ready to leave college, I can only hope that I too can call on my friends.

4. Ed Stevens and Mike Burton (Ed)
For a show that had maintained four seasons on NBC, I have never met anyone who watched or liked Ed. I don’t understand the pervasive animosity toward a show where two full grown, professional adults will do anything for a ten dollar bet. This running joke encompasses the innocence and idealism that I believe is important in remembering that you don’t have to grow up all the way all the time.

3. Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza (Seinfeld)
Jerry and George are the interesting versions of people everywhere. About every other day, I am sitting with my friends discussing something trivial (fruits, pillows, or old time phones come to mind) and invariably we stop and think that this would be the most boring Seinfeld episode ever. No, I may not pretend to hire my friend as a latex salesman but I have definitely wasted well over half an hour waiting for a table in a restaurant.

2. Casey McCall and Dan Rydell (Sports Night)
Yes, I love Sports Night. Get over it. These are two friends who have been through a lot and in the end have always been able to rely on each other.

1. Greg House and James Wilson (House)
I’m not sure there has been a friendship so co-dependant and dynamic. So dysfunctional and creative. Everything about them screams Odd-Couple. Is it just me, or is it kinda sexual? House’s interactions with Wilson are far more interesting than Foreman, Chase, Cameron, Cuddy, or (ugh) Stacy. And after season 4, it’s gonna be put to the test.

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Fun Not in the Sun

Dear reader(s?),
I’m sorry we have neglected our responsibilities to you. I can’t speak for everyone else but I have not needed the distraction of working on these blog posts for quite some time.

For you, though, I will try to put in some effort.

I’m sure you have your opinions of what’s happened in Lost and want to read my insights for the past few weeks but my recaps of Lost are gonna be put on hold (there is an explanation: it’s very time consuming).

Instead, I want to start our summer posts off with something to keep your tv sets on:

Top 5 Cable Series that are Coming Back this Summer!
Just because the broadcast networks concluded their seasons of Lost, The Office, and House, doesn’t mean new episodes of quality programming stop.

5. Mad Men (AMC) – Coming back July 27, 2008
Set in the1960s advertising world, Mad Men intertwines the ideals of simple American values with the grim realities of an era covered up by images Leave it to Beaver. It’s not a show of nostalgia but a look at how well people a generation ago could hide their flaws through misanthropy, substance abuse, and lies.

4. Weeds (Showtime) – Started June 16, 2008
Mary Louise Parker is hot. Look, I know last year was a little rough around the edges and I am sure the writers probably could have figured out a better direction to go in. Some things were worn out a little thin. And a certain girlfriend was the worst idea in the history of television. But the guest performances of the opening credits is still an amazingly ingenious idea. And Mary Louise Parker is still fucking HOT.

3. Monk (USA) – Coming back July 18, 2008
I may be in the minority here, but I am actually a bigger fan of Traylor Howard over Bitty Schram. I will say, I am quite fond of the Jeff Beal instrumental theme. Tony Shalhoub takes every nuance of Adrian Monk and plays it in such a grounded and natural way that one can’t help but feel for him. And I am a sucker to get closure on season (or in this case, series) long plot arcs. I believe in him, and in his ability to close the case on the car bomb.

2. The Closer (TNT) – Coming back July 14, 2008
In case you didn’t know, I am kind of a sucker for police procedurals. I like mysteries and I like answers. Unlike case of the week shows like Monk, Psych, Bones, or even House, The Closer’s protagonist, Brenda Leigh Johnson, has no near superhuman powers of deduction and even her supposed supreme skills in interrogation have been downplayed in recent times. Perhaps this quality lends itself to realism and its subsequent ability to engross the viewer. Perhaps I just enjoy feeling like I am solving cases too.

1. Psych (USA) – Coming back July 18, 2008
At first I was a little weary about this show, trailing on the success of Monk, another gimmick-y crime of the week tv series. Honestly, I first gave it a look because it’s set (though not filmed) in my lovely hometown of Santa Barbara. Why I kept coming back was the chemistry of James Roday and Dule Hill. Their friendship has such an amazing dynamic that I can overlook the ridiculousness that they sometimes need to employ to move a plot along. Plus the psych-outs help reinforce this with Out of Character antics. I love it when casts have fun together.

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I got 99 problems, but a Dick ain't one

It took me three months to finish this recap, but I promise that I'm going to try my very hardest to do the rest of the first season by the premiere of the second on July 27th. In the fifth episode of Mad Men, "5G", Don's secret past cames back to haunt him and the Mad Boys get jealous when Ken gets a short story published in the Atlantic Monthly.

Previously on Mad Men: Don has a mistress named Midge, Pete resents his wife for getting them a gorgeous Park Avenue apartment, and Don is either Batman or some guy named Dick Whitman.

Snazzy credits! Did you know that the theme song is called “A Beautiful Mine” by RJD2?

Don and Betty stumble into their bedroom, obviously drunk and wearing a tux and a fancy dress, respectively. They were at an awards banquet earlier, and Don won a tacky looking plaque with a horseshoe on it. Don tells Betty that no one wants to look like they care about awards. “But you do,” she tells him. He helps her unzip her dress (who know what’s the worst? When your roommate is out and you’re unable to zip or unzip your dress by yourself, and it sends you into the “Why am I going to die alone?” pity spiral. Not that that’s ever happened to me). Betty and Don have that giddy formal wear glow, but instead of having prom night sex they pass out on top of the covers, mostly still dressed. I’ve been there. Don reaches over to turn out the lamp, deems it too far, and rips the plug out of the wall. Also been there. I’ve never fallen asleep in a tux, though, which seems like it would be not at all comfortable.

Hangover time! Don and Betty wake up the next morning, looking way worse for wear. It’s always odd to see Don not perfectly put together, and when I see photos of Jon Hamm as himself I’m always shocked at how he can go from Fiftie’s Style GQ Man to Modern Hobo. To be it a little more nicely, Jon Hamm does not always look as polished in real life as he does on the show. Sally bursts into her parent’s room, telling them that “Ethel,” who must be the cleaning girl, is downstairs making them breakfast, and then she asks about Don’s award. Way to make the little kid do all of the exposition heavy lifting. She asks if it’s an award for “good horses,” (because of the horseshoe), which is an excellent question. Don and Betty kick Sally out so they can be hung over in a little more peace. They’re both coughing a lot in this scene; do most people cough a lot when hung over? Maybe this is some sort of subtle foreshadowing that in a future episode there’s going to be a carbon monoxide link in the Draper home. If Polly the dog alerts the family and gets them outside to safety, thereby saving their lives, Don is going to be so wonderfully smug.

Don enters the office, and the front receptionist tells him that Advertising Age ran a picture of him due to the award he won. Is this the same morning as we just saw? Somehow I doubt Advertising Age is a daily magazine or paper, so I’m going to nitpick and say it’s unrealistic that this random girl would know, ahead of publication time, what photo they’re going to run. Deeper inside the office, Malfoy (or Ken, as he is known on the show) is showing Betty a short story he wrote that Atlantic Monthly published. She’s impressed, and I am too; Atlantic Monthly is a legit magazine (unlike that scummy Reader’s Digest). As Don walks up, Peggy tells him that Pete and Paul “wanted you to know that they were waiting, but they left.” Don dryly says, “That’s rude.” Heh. Also, Don always walks into the office and goes straight into a meeting; I would hate that. If I had Don’s job I would want to have at least a half hour between arriving and having to do any real work, so I could just sit at my desk and mentally prepare myself (by which I mean, stare out the window). Malfoy passes on his good news about the short story to Don, and we get a closeup of the magazine page. His story’s called “Tapping a Maple on a Cold Vermont Morning,” and from the little bio we learn that Kenneth Cosgrove is a graduate of Columbia, Manhattan’s version of Durmstrang. Pete and Paul enter, and when Malfoy shares his good news Pete’s face is all, “There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine.” He manages to stifle the look of nauseous jealousy and congratulate him. Malfoy mentions that he’s also written two novels, one “about a roughneck on an oil rig who has to move to Manhattan because his wife’s mother is sick. The other one, there’s a woman who’s a widow. She kind of got stuck with this family farm, and no one will help her except this boy.” Paul notes with amazement, “Those don’t even sound stupid.”

The Mad Boys get back to business and present their ideas about Liberty Capital Savings to Don. Pete says that the company wants some “irresistible fireworks that’ll bring people to the bank, even if its just to visit.” They get on the topic of women having finances, and Pete is quick to point out that his woman isn’t in charge of the money. Yeah, her daddy is. Don stands up, so you can tell there’s some advertising genius abrewing, and says that they always try to attract wives and families to the bank, but “men need their own accounts, beyond the family.” The Mad Boys throw out ideas: discretionary money, statements sent to the office, “Liberty Capital Private Account.” Don says no, and then says, in the exact same tone that James Bond uses to introduce himself, “executive account.” Well, I’m sold.

The Mad Boys walk out (I guess the good thing about these early morning meetings is that they last four minutes), and Peggy buzzes Don to tell him he has a call from Bix Beiderbecke, who, according to Wikipedia, was a jazz cornet player in the 20’s who died at 28 after drinking too much bathtub gin and having an “alcoholic seizure.” Unfortunately, Wikipedia discounts the rumors that Bix drank so much the coroner got drunk off fumes from his body. I hope my future Wikipedia entry includes the sentence, “her penchant for imbibing was legendary.” But Bix is not calling Don from beyond the grave to ask him how many shots of whiskey it’s appropriate to drink during work hours; it’s just Midge the Mistress, thankfully missing her crazy wig. She tells him, in the dirtiest way possible, that she used the name Bix because “I was thinking of playing the horn this afternoon.” Outside Don’s office, Peggy picks the phone up to make a call, forgetting that Don’s still on the line. She overhears Midget telling him, “I want you to pull my hair and ravish me and leave me for dead.” I’m not sure whether my reaction to that is “Hot” or “Yikes.” Peggy’s leaning towards the latter, and puts the phone down again as quietly as possible. Don comes out a second later and tells her he’ll be back after lunch, and Peggy watches him leave as she realizes her boss is sort of a schmuck.

The Mad Boys are still pouting about Malfoy’s Atlantic Monthly story. Pete hates that Malfoy is from Vermont with a salesman dad, Harry hates that Malfoy didn’t tell anyone until the magazine came out, and Paul hates that Malfoy “just kept walking around, like the idiot he is.” They’re all more than a little jealous.

Over at Midge’s House of West Village Sin, Midge tells Don that she’s satisfied, so he can go. He tells her not to call him at work anymore, and she starts going on about how he’s scared that they might start having conversations, and she’ll become a typical needy woman. She tells him, “I’m sorry your life is in a million pieces.” Hey, he just won an award for good horses! He’s doing great! “It’d be easier for you to have one less,” Midge continues. He apologizes for hurting her feelings, and she tells him, “I like that you come in here, acting like somebody else. It must be so intense about 14th street. [something about a train that I can’t understand because Midge is a slurry, low-talker] That look when I open that door… Sometimes you’re preoccupied but then you always change gears.” Don tells her that he’s doesn’t even think about it—it’s so effortless for Don to be constantly playing a role. She tells him, “I like being your medicine,” which does not sound at all healthy.

Pete and his wife Trudie are in bed together, and she’s reading a short story he wrote. He gets all huffy, asking what’s wrong with it, because he can tell she doesn’t like it. She insists that she does like it, but, “I mostly read the classics. It seemed strange to me, it’s too modern.” People who say that they “read the classics” need to be punched in their pretentious faces. Pete says that that’s sort of a compliment, and Trudie replies, “I just think it’s odd that the bear is talking.” Heh. She tells him he should submit it, and he says he will. “You can run it by Charlie Fitich,” Pete says. Trudie looks very unhappy at this order, and doesn’t understand why he wants her to call Charlie now. Pete brings it back to Ken Cosgrove, lowly account executive and future dark wizard. Pete keeps pressuring Trudie to call Charlie: “You said you’d do anything for me.” Trudie can’t believe that Pete really wants her to see Charlie, since Pete was very upset when he found out that Charlie was Trudie’s “first.” Pete tells her that “this helps makes up for that.” I’m sure I don’t have to point out how gross it is for a husband to force his wife to do something in order to “make up” for the fact that she wasn’t a virgin when they got married.

Don arrives at work, and Peggy wordlessly takes his hat and coat—she’s obviously being a bit distant as a result of Don’s afternoon delight yesterday. Don heads into a meeting with the Mad Boys, Slattery, and Joan the sexy office manager. Slattery is complimenting Malfoy on his story, since it shows fortitude, and “I guarantee that in the bottom drawer of every desk in this place is the first ten pages of a novel.” “Five,” Don corrects him. They get to work, with Joan asking for the status on the present accounts: when checks are coming in, when ads will run, how the lawsuit against Lucky Strike is going. Peggy interrupts the meeting to tell Don that an “Adam Whitman” is there to see him. Don is noticeably flustered, and leaves to “deal with this.”

Out by reception is a blond man in an ugly flannel jacket, who looks at Don and says, “It’s you. It’s really you. Dick… I can’t believe it.” Don plays dumb, but Adam tells him that it’s his little brother, all grown up. Don keeps pretending he doesn’t know who Adam is, but Adam isn’t giving up. He saw the magazine in someone’s trash can (he’s working as a janitor) and “I thought I saw a ghost!” Don insists that Adam is mistaking him for someone else, and Adam tells him, “You’re at work, I can come back another time.” Instead, Don tells him to go wait for him at a nearby coffee shop. Adam: “That’s swell!” This kid is ridiculously chipper. Don practically pushes Adam into an elevator, then walks back through the office. His inner monologue reads something like, “Hold it together Dick… I mean Don!” He goes back into the meeting, and stares blankly at the table until Joan asks him about the Liberty Capital meeting. Slattery thanks everybody for being able “to make it sound as if they’re working so hard.” Don leaves the room quickly, and then, out in the office, Peggy watches as Don strides out the door to yet another of his secret lives.

At the coffee shop, Don enters and Adam excitedly says, “I can’t believe this. It is really you.” Don gets down to business: “What do you want from me?” Adam can’t believe that Don has nothing to ask his long lost brother. Don stubbornly insists again that “that isn’t me,” although I’d say that by showing up to this lunch, he’s proven that it is. Adam isn’t easily swayed, and asks, “What happened to you? Why did you do that? Why did you leave me?” Don says that he couldn’t go back there, the way pretty boy criminals say they can’t go back to being someone’s prison bitch. Adam isn’t letting Don get him down, and laughs, “Donald Draper? What kind of name is that?” Don asks what difference it makes, then forces himself to ask what happened to “her.” Adam asks, “Mom?” and Don replies, “She wasn’t my mother. She never let me forget that.” Adam says that she died of stomach cancer, and Don replies, “Good.” I’m imagining a very V.C. Andrews sort of upbringing in the Whitman household—I’m intrigued, to say the least. Adam says that “Uncle Mac” died too, and gets all choked up. Adam asks, “Did you miss me at all?” For a long moment Don is silent, then tells him, “Of course I did.”

Trudie is visiting Charlie Fitich, the publishing guy, at his office. He tells her that he enjoyed the story, “as much as anyone can enjoy that kind of thing.” He knows that it doesn’t matter whether he really liked it; “it matters that I publish it, right?” Charlie’s head is very, very oval. Trudie tries to change the subject to Charlie’s girlfriend, but Charlie has other priorities. He tells her that he misses her, and “being with her.” Oh yes, as if Trudie doesn’t have enough oooky men indulging in inappropriate behavior in her life, Charlie wants to become Trudie’s mistress. He tells her it doesn’t have to be anything more than sex, and she says that she can’t. She says that she’s a newlywed, and that maybe they’ll have one of those movie affairs in the future, when they’re old. Charlie says, “I want you now, I don’t want you old.” Charlie is obviously not a Love in the Time of Cholera fan. Trudie again tells him no, but she knows that this is not going to be good for Pete’s writing aspirations.

Betty has brought Sally and Robert to the Sterling Cooper offices. Peggy stands up, shocked to finally be meeting the Mrs. Draper. Betty is there to get Don for their family portraits, but Don is off with his long lost brother. Peggy runs back and forth around the office, with no idea what to do until she sees Joan. She sums up the situation (ending with, “and I don’t know who to lie to!”) and Joan tells her to slow down. Peggy goes through the various fibs she could tell, and Joan asks where Don actually is. Peggy lies that she doesn’t know, but Joan is way too good at being Joan to accept that: “You do know, and you’re going to tell me, or I’m not going to tell you what to do.” Peggy tells Joan about “this woman,” who he went to see and came back “all greasy and calm.” Joan tells her to tell the truth: she doesn’t know where he is and she forgot to remind him, and when Don comes back he can make up an excuse and “start apologizing for, well, how stupid you are.” Peggy realizes that she definitely shouldn’t have told Joan about Don’s affair, and Joan agrees.

Don is still having lunch with Adam. Adam asks where Don’s been, and he says, “Around. Here, mostly.” Adam says that he’s not mad, he just wants to know: “Who is Donald Draper?” If there ever was a million dollar question, that would be it. He asks if Don has a family, and Don (maybe remembering his family portrait) says he has to go. Adam’s sunny façade finally cracks and he says, “I don’t understand why you’re being like this. When I was little I used to imagine this day, and here it is. I don’t understand, I’m family. I just want to be a part of your life.” Don gets up and says that that’s not going to happen, and that “this never happened.”

Back at the office, Peggy is about to have an aneurism entertaining Betty and the kids. Betty asks whether Peggy has “a boyfriend, or a steady?” I halfway expect her to burst into “Summer Lovin’” at this point. They make some more small talk about how Don treats Peggy, and Betty says, “Don’t you just hate it when his mouth runs on and on?” Peggy doesn’t get the joke, and Betty tells her, “You probably know more about him than I do.” Betty is so depressing. Finally, Don comes in, and answers Peggy’s apology for not reminding him with his own apology about not checking in before he went to the printer’s. Peggy is ready for her moment of acting glory, and goes on and on about how sorry she is for this mistake. As the happy family walks out, Peggy’s head falls and she takes a breath for the first time since Betty walked in.

Betty and her neighbor, Francine the pregnant smoking woman, sit in the Draper’s kitchen and look at the family portrait photos. Yeah, they’re pretty bad. Francine tells her that they’re not terrible, and besides, “How’d you like to be in Helen Bishop’s family portrait?” Betty says that she wants to take them again, because “Sally looks fat.” Aw, Sally is adorable! Betty mentions that she expects the royal treatment when she walks into Don’s office (I guess, since it’s an ad firm, they have a photography studio in the building and that’s where the photos were taken?). She says Sterling Cooper is “like another country where I don’t speak the language.” Francine agrees that “all that Manhattan talk” at her husband’s office makes her feel stupid, and Betty nods in agreement. She says, “Our husbands… they are better out here, aren’t they?” “Infinitely,” Francine replies. I think that Don would disagree to an infinite degree.

The Mad Boys are pitching Don’s “executive account” idea to Liberty Capital Savings. Paul takes over, explaining how the modern man has many different expenses (presents for his wife, doggies for his kids, odd wigs for his mistress…), and Liberty Capital can help him keep them all straight. The Liberty Capital guy likes it and laughs, “Liberty for the libertine.” Don asks why it’s funny, and the guy says that some of his customer’s are already doing it, but now that they have a name for it, the bank can start charging for it.

Don walks back to his office, picking up his mail from Peggy. Inside an envelope labeled “Private”, he finds a photo of himself in an army uniform, with his arm around a young Adam. There’s also a note on hotel stationary that reads, “If you change your mind. #5G.”

In the Slytherin common room, Malfoy is telling some of the secretaries about the two books he’s written. Paul, a Hufflepuff if I’ve ever seen one, interrupts to say that he finished reading Malfoy’s short story, and he wants a copy to give to his girlfriend. He takes the Atlantic Monthly Malfoy is holding and roughly rips the story out. Paul says that Malfoy “has like fifty more copies, right?” Malfoy says that maybe he does, but “it’s on like every newsstand in town.” Paul gives a little wave to the ladies and walks out.

Don leaves his office, and tells Peggy that he’s going home for the day. Peggy obviously doesn’t believe him. As soon as Don’s out of sight, Joan swoops in and says to Peggy, “I’ve always wondered why he’s ignored me. Probably because he’s so good-looking he can go outside the office for whatever he wants. Most of these fellas can’t.” Peggy quietly says that she thought Don was different (she thought he was a Mad Man, not a Mad Boy!), and Joan tells her to just keep Don’s record clean, “here and at home. Honestly, if he sees that in you, you are solid gold.” Peggy’s more than a little disillusioned to realize that this is part of her job description. Joan tells her that that’s how these men are, “and that’s why we love them.” Peggy says, “This job is odd,” and Joan lustfully replies, “But it’s the best.”

Malfoy is leaving for the day when Paul comes to apologize for “being a bear. I knew I was competing neck to neck with people in this place. I didn’t know I was competing with you too.” Malfoy shrugs and says with satisfaction, “You lost.” Paul gives Malfoy a look that says, “You just burned me… and I sort of liked it.”

At Pete and Trudie’s Apartment of Ickiness, dinner is on the table and so is disappointment. Trudie tells him that Charlie Fitich came by the house earlier that day, and Pete’s story is going to be published in Boy’s Life magazine. Pete’s excitement disappears, because “that story was good enough for the New Yorker, and don’t act like those magazines do everything on merit.” Trudie is surprised he isn’t happy, and Pete says, in the slimiest tone possible, “You don’t want me to have what I want.” Trudie says, “I could have gotten you in the New Yorker. Or in the Encyclopedia Britannica if I wanted to.” Pete, understanding every ounce of subtext, asks, “So? Why didn’t you?” Trudie responds, “Why would you do that to me? Why would you put me in that position?” Instead of explaining why he’s willing to pimp out his wife in order to show up one of his co-workers, Pete downs his drink.

At the Draper home, Betty and Don are discussing summer vacation plans. Betty and the kids will spend August in Cape May, while Don will mostly be in the office. Betty mentions Peggy, and that “a woman just can’t remark on her husband’s secretary.” Don doesn’t answer for a second, then says that he might have to go back to the office. Betty nods, while the normal reaction would be, “Uh, it’s 8 at night and we’re in the suburbs? Hello?” In the next scene, Don uses his lighter to burn the old photo of him and Adam. What a drama queen—just rip it into tiny pieces and flush it like any normal, non-pyromaniac person. He lights up a cigarette and then picks up Adam’s letter.

Don calls Adam’s hotel and says, “I need to see you tonight, are you busy?” Adam replies, “For you? Of course not!” Don says he’ll be there in 25 minutes, and Adam excitedly starts planning the cocktail menu. On paper, the dialogue in that scene is soooo booty call. Don hangs up, then unlocks a drawer in his desk. Then he pulls out his briefcase and opens it. And then he stares at them both for a few seconds. Reorganization project, perhaps?

Don and his mysterious briefcase arrive at Adam’s crappy hotel. Adam’s all, “I’m so glad you changed your mind! Come in! Is it alright if I change into something more comfortable?” Don’s all, “Hey, slow down, I just came here to talk.” Adam’s all, “We don’t have to talk! This isn’t so hard. Just take off your pants…” Don cuts the dirty talk to explain that his life “only goes in one direction: forward.” Adam tries to fix Don a drink, then tells him how great the Sterling Cooper offices were, and how Don must be pretty important to win that award. “Everybody always said you were too smart for your own good. Of course, Uncle Mac thought you were soft. But you’re not, are ya?” Don agrees that he’s not, then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a giant stack of cash-- $5,000. I like that the title of this episode, 5G, refers to both Adam’s hotel room and the five grand. Don tells Adam to take it, leave New York, and never contact Don again. Adam says that that’s not what he wanted, and Don tells him it’s all he can do. He says, “You thought I was dead. Just go back to thinking that.” Adam starts to tear up, and Don tells him to take the money and make his own life. They share a brotherly hug of payoffs and fake names, and Don leaves.

Back at the Draper home, Betty is reading a magazine in bed. After asking Don about the crisis in the office, Betty says that she knows he doesn’t like going to her father’s house in Cape May, especially that he might be there for part of it. Don says that he just doesn’t like the way Betty’s dad looks at him. Betty suggests that they buy their own summer house, closer to the city. Don’s like, “You want me to bribe secret brothers and buy you a beach house? Really?” He tells her he’d rather wait until next year, and she says that’s fine. Betty turns off the light, and lies down on Don’s chest (who’s still sitting upright—if he tries to sleep like that, his back is gonna hurt like hell in the morning).

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Top 5 Favorite Sex and the City Moments

So I know that the readership of this blog leans more towards Sports Night than Sex and the City, but in honor of the movie, now open, I wanted to revisit some of my favorite moments of the series. Sure, sometimes the puns were cringe-worthy and the fashion was heinous and the girls were selfish, stupid, shallow or slutty-- but when SATC was good, it was orgasmic. My top 5 (plus clips when I could find them) after the cut. No spoilers for the movie, but definitely spoilers for all six seasons of the series.

5. Seconds before walking down the aisle to marry Trey, Charlotte tells Carrie that Trey can't get it up. Carrie tries to comfort her, but then tells Charlotte (I'm paraphrasing): "Sweetie, if you don't want to go through with this, we can just hop in a cab and everyone will just have to get over it." Being willing to help your friend become a runaway bride? That's a true Maid of Honor

I don't have a clip of that moment, so instead, you can watch Harry propose to Charlotte a few seasons later:

4. Samantha is losing her hair from chemo treatments for her breast cancer, and her boy toy Smith unexpectantly steps up to the plate by shaving his head too.

3. Despite her lazy ovary and Steve's one ball ("It's like the special Olympics of conception"), Miranda becomes pregnant. In the clinic with Carrie, she says, "No I can't have a baby. I could barely find the time to scheldule this abortion." But her decision to keep it, and Charlotte's tears of joy at hearing that "we've having a baby," proves that it's not all cosmos and stilettos in their world.

2. Charlotte finally becomes pregnant after years of trying, but suffers a miscarriage a few weeks in. She sits on the couch in her pajamas, totally destroyed, watching TV. But then, through the power of Elizabeth Taylor's E! True Hollywood Story ("Now is the time for guts, and guile"), Charlotte realizes she has to keep on living. So she puts on her pink dress and Audrey Hepburn sunglasses and walks down Park Avenue looking like perfection. My user photo is Charlotte in this dress, and it makes me cry and cheer every time. God, I'm such a sap.

1. All four women are having cocktails while Big celebrates his engagement to Natasha just a few blocks away at the Plaza. Carrie wonders why he's marrying Natasha and not her, and Miranda explains it in one word. Everything in this clip is perfect... except, Carrie needs a better bra like I need a pair of Manolo Blahniks-- desperately.


Bonus moment! I was never a big fan of Carrie's relationship with Berger (although Ron Livingstone is inarguably a cutie), but I adore the episode that takes place in the aftermath of him breaking up with her on a Post-It. Charlotte's glowing from her engagement to Harry, Miranda's fitting into her skinny jeans, Samantha is helping them score pot, and Carrie is giving the mother of all speeches to Berger's friend (played by another cutie, Michael Showalter). I especially love her delivery of "Interesting, how so?"

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