You took me by the hand, made me a man...

It’s back! The Office is finally back! Thank god; I hate reality tv. This week's episode, "The Dinner Party," is a theme that I am quite familiar with. I love throwing dinner parties but thankfully nothing like this ever happens. I think.

We open with the Dunder Mifflin staff gearing up for some apparent overtime work. Michael Scott asks Jim about any plans (which Jim matter-of-factly states he doesn’t have since he’s stuck in the office) and then starts a very loud tirade about how it’s all BS to be here. He gets on the phone and has quite the shouting match with ‘Corporate’ by which I mean a dialtone and then let’s everyone go. Everyone but Jim. He corners Jim and asks him and Pam to a couples dinner. Before he can weasel out of it, Michael has got him by his own quote, “You said you didn’t have plans. That’s what you said.” In a talking head, Jim admits he and Pam have been dodging these invitations for a while, but will respect that, for once, he’s been outfoxed. I gotta give Michael credit too, it was a rare show of cleverness.

When Dwight eavesdrops on the conversation and then blatantly invites himself along, Michael has to admit that he can’t come since, “it’s couples only and besides [he] only has six wine glasses.” When he reveals that Angela and Andy are also invited, we cut across the office to a big “Hey-o” from Andy. In the talking head with Dwight, we just watch him try, unsuccessfully, to hold back his extreme hurt at being left out. Bravo Rainn Wilson. Unfortunately, this is also the last we see of the rest of the supporting cast. The first new episode of the Office and footage of the actual office is over before the opening credits.

After aforementioned credits (my god, I missed this opening theme. So good), Pam and Jim arrive at Michael and Jan’s condo and try to initiate some awkward greetings. When Pam presents Jan with a bottle of wine, Jan condescendingly mentions “it’ll be great to cook with.” Bitch. Though it was really bitchy, to be fair, you’re really supposed to cook only with wine you would be willing to drink. Jan makes a bunch of depricating remarks about the condo, which really seem to more just insult Michael, as he looks quite embarrassed. We see Jan’s Office and then her workspace. Filled with candles, one of which smells like a bonfire. Serenity by Jan. Jim can barely breathe in there. When Pam brings up that Jan has both an office and a workspace, Jan uses it as an opportunity to attack Pam’s ambitions in art. Remember when Jan was actually supportive of Pam’s aspirations to be an artist? Michael does a James Bond slash bon fire pun slash impersonation while Jan takes a huge huff of her candle and then reveals she uses them to alleviate frustration, irritation, anger, etc. Meanwhile, Pam and Jim just look awkwardly weirded out.

In the master bedroom, we see that they left out a video camera and the Jan spanks Michael. And everyone else just kinda shudders. Just a little too much detail. Gross. To distract from the obvious sexual overtones, Pam compliments the bench at the foot of the bed, which is actually revealed to be Michael’s ‘bed’. Apparently Jan has space issues and has to sleep in the entire bed by herself. When Michael tries to show how comfortable it is, he just casts an image of a poor, neglected dog.

We see Michael’s new flat screen tv, possibly as big as a 13” screen. Michael will just stand in front of it and watch it for hours. Everything about Michael’s life just seems so sad here. Michael also shows off the table he built (from scrap wood from the warehouse, I am assuming) and Jim and Pam give him some compliments (I think they feel bad for him too). Jan makes a thinly veiled reference about a Michael/Pam affair and after a moment of paralyzing horror, Jim moves the conversation to Michael’s dundies. Michael gives a backhanded compliment to Jan and Jim gives the look we all want to.

Thankfully, Andy and Angela show up as a distraction. Angela coldly rejects any hug greeting from Michael and Andy says tuna about ten times in the span of greeting Jim. Before presenting a bouquet of flowers to Jan, Andy kind of sweetly gives a flower to Angela but she rejects the show of affection. When it’s revealed that dinner will not be ready for another 3 hours, Jim and Pam look each other with a fear in their eyes that says “what the fuck did we get ourselves into?”

To fill this 3 hour void, they’re awkwardly sitting in the living room, drinking some red wine. To try and give a sophisticated impression, Michael critiques the wine as having “sort of an oaky afterbirth.” Jim, the only one listening, let’s that sink in and question him. No one else is paying attention and Jan quickly uses this as an opportunity to show case Hunter’s new album (he was her old personal assistant). Jim and Pam look at each other, barely containing their laughter, while Angela looks horrified; the lyrics, combined with Jan’s middle aged, white woman dancing reinforces the idea that Jan took Hunter’s virginity. Andy is completely oblivious, adding his own backing vocals and Jan tries to dance with Jim, who is completely not into it. When Michael insults Hunter, Jan fires back, insinuating that Pam and Michael are having an affair. Pam sneaks into the bathroom for a whispering head, saying that she “just wants to eat, which [she] realizes is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.” I love it.

The group has moved on to play celebrities, my favorite party game. Andy has gone through an overly elaborate and complex system system of clues to lead to Joe Montana. Haha, I love celebrities. Jim, in a whispering head in the bathroom, reveals he is setting up a fake message about his apartment flooding to escape. Yet, when he tries to save Pam with him, Michael makes the astute observation that they both don’t need to go. Not thinking quick enough to get out of this, he just tries to abandon Pam. Pam will not let him go though, using coded language to force him to stay (trouble in paradise?). I’m not exactly sure who did the more despicable thing; especially since both Pam and Jim can do no. Either way, Jim is stuck still playing celebrities with Michael (who does not grasp the rules). Michael keeps saying the celebrity name and/or rhymes but Angela is completely oblivious and Jim is just playing dumb. “The first name is Tom…and he goes on a cruise, a Caribbean cruise.” “Katie Holmes.” “But he’s married to her!” “Oh, Dawson’s Creek.” Ahahhaha.

Afterwards, everyone is just sitting around, in an awkward silence. Pam makes a small gesture like she is shivering and Michael puts his jacket around her. Jan takes it as an attack on her and uses it as an opportunity to embarrass Michael. Again. Apparently, Michael ran through the glass door because he likes ice cream (but I mean, who doesn’t love ice cream?). Michael’s retort about Jan suing people is actually pretty funny. Then they make a fake joke about being the devil and being in hell but Angela complains. Trying to get out of there, Pam makes a dash for the kitchen. Too bad Jan uses it as a way to make a girls trip. Angela looks irritated at the request.

Jan checks on dinner, which is “not even close.” Pam looks quite dismayed. Jan finally makes clear that she is under the impression that Pam and Michael used to date. Pam, disgusted, tries to convince (in the least insulting manner) that she never wanted to date Michael but no one believes her, Angela continuing to back Jan on her accusations. I still don’t know why because she spent a lot of time pointing out how much Pam stared at Jim in past seasons.

In the garage, Michael gives a pitch to Jim and Andy about becoming investors in Serenity by Jan. Andy, without missing a beat, agrees. When Jim shows hesitation, Michael admits that it’s poor form. Thankfully, the doorbell chimes.

At the door, Dwight and his “date” appear, holding wine glasses and a cooler of food. When Pam sees that Dwight has shown up, she just smiles and says “awesome.” Which was my exact same reaction. Michael stands up for Dwight, saying that Dwight provided the means to accommodate him. Then Michael goes on a long tirade that is just so phenomenal that it is just a scene you have to see. “You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have in a person!” They storm off and Dwight is just left standing at the threshold, still wondering if he can come in. Anybody else would be wondering if they could get out.

At the dinner table, only Dwight and his date are actually eating since they brought a roasted turkey and beet salad. Dwight tries to talk to Angela but she just shoots him down. Meanwhile, Michael whispers about threats of poison to Pam. In a whispering head in the bathroom, Pam points out that crazy Jan would probably try to kill Michael’s ‘former lover’. When Jan criticizes Michael and his ‘soft teeth,’ he storms off. Jim tries to open a conversation with Dwight’s “date” who was actually his babysitter; he is just filled with questions but when he tries to get her email address, she responds with one of her own. “Email?” and Jim realizes that it is a dead end. Meanwhile, Dwight tells everyone that “it’s purely carnal and that’s all you need to know.” Actually, it’s way more.

Michael returns with his St. Pauli Girl neon beer sign and even Andy gives a look like, “this is gonna get awkward.” It starts an escalating fight with Jan turning on Hunter’s album again and then smashing Michael’s tv with his dundie. Aww. Jan storms off in tears and the rest of the guests (except Dwight) take it as their cue to leave.

The cops arrive and Dwight tries to talk to them, but is brushed off. I remember when Dwight mentioned his laser tag team and wonder if that was made up too. Sometimes I think only cousin Mose is his friend. Michael explains that nothing is going on, except that Jan threw a dundie at his tv. When asked if he wants to press charges, Michael says that he will take the fall. The cops just look at him and say, “you don’t have to press charges…” Cue Jan running out like a crazy person. The cops, wisely, ask that Michael stay with one his friends tonight. Dwight leaps at the opportunity but Michael turns to Jim and Pam. Jim recalls that his apartment is on fire. Pam corrects him that it is flooded and Dwight whisks Michael away.

At a fast food stand, Pam and Jim enjoy burgers and call each other babe (mocking Michael and Jan’s behavior all night). It eerily reminds me of Alex and Emily. Now I don’t think I can keep a straight face when I hang out with them. Jim reveals he stole Hunter’s cd and we are treated to a montage of all the party guests in the aftermath of the night. Angela and Andy are getting ice cream and when Andy steals a little nibble, Angela smashes her cone into the side of his car. I feel bad for Andy because he keeps trying to be sweet and Angela just keeps acting like a bitch. Dwight drives Michael home and completely blows off his babysitter, standing at the bus stop. Jan desperately tries, and fails, to repair the dundie she smashed. A symbol of everything wrong with her relationship.

A couple closing remarks: while a fun episode, I wish the cast would get back to office based episodes. There have been a lot of episodes where the main action is focused on outside settings; let’s get back to our roots. Also when did Jan go completely bat shit? Remember when she was pseudo-normal? Oh well. I’m just glad that everyone is back.