You took me by the hand, made me a man...

It’s back! The Office is finally back! Thank god; I hate reality tv. This week's episode, "The Dinner Party," is a theme that I am quite familiar with. I love throwing dinner parties but thankfully nothing like this ever happens. I think.

We open with the Dunder Mifflin staff gearing up for some apparent overtime work. Michael Scott asks Jim about any plans (which Jim matter-of-factly states he doesn’t have since he’s stuck in the office) and then starts a very loud tirade about how it’s all BS to be here. He gets on the phone and has quite the shouting match with ‘Corporate’ by which I mean a dialtone and then let’s everyone go. Everyone but Jim. He corners Jim and asks him and Pam to a couples dinner. Before he can weasel out of it, Michael has got him by his own quote, “You said you didn’t have plans. That’s what you said.” In a talking head, Jim admits he and Pam have been dodging these invitations for a while, but will respect that, for once, he’s been outfoxed. I gotta give Michael credit too, it was a rare show of cleverness.

When Dwight eavesdrops on the conversation and then blatantly invites himself along, Michael has to admit that he can’t come since, “it’s couples only and besides [he] only has six wine glasses.” When he reveals that Angela and Andy are also invited, we cut across the office to a big “Hey-o” from Andy. In the talking head with Dwight, we just watch him try, unsuccessfully, to hold back his extreme hurt at being left out. Bravo Rainn Wilson. Unfortunately, this is also the last we see of the rest of the supporting cast. The first new episode of the Office and footage of the actual office is over before the opening credits.

After aforementioned credits (my god, I missed this opening theme. So good), Pam and Jim arrive at Michael and Jan’s condo and try to initiate some awkward greetings. When Pam presents Jan with a bottle of wine, Jan condescendingly mentions “it’ll be great to cook with.” Bitch. Though it was really bitchy, to be fair, you’re really supposed to cook only with wine you would be willing to drink. Jan makes a bunch of depricating remarks about the condo, which really seem to more just insult Michael, as he looks quite embarrassed. We see Jan’s Office and then her workspace. Filled with candles, one of which smells like a bonfire. Serenity by Jan. Jim can barely breathe in there. When Pam brings up that Jan has both an office and a workspace, Jan uses it as an opportunity to attack Pam’s ambitions in art. Remember when Jan was actually supportive of Pam’s aspirations to be an artist? Michael does a James Bond slash bon fire pun slash impersonation while Jan takes a huge huff of her candle and then reveals she uses them to alleviate frustration, irritation, anger, etc. Meanwhile, Pam and Jim just look awkwardly weirded out.

In the master bedroom, we see that they left out a video camera and the Jan spanks Michael. And everyone else just kinda shudders. Just a little too much detail. Gross. To distract from the obvious sexual overtones, Pam compliments the bench at the foot of the bed, which is actually revealed to be Michael’s ‘bed’. Apparently Jan has space issues and has to sleep in the entire bed by herself. When Michael tries to show how comfortable it is, he just casts an image of a poor, neglected dog.

We see Michael’s new flat screen tv, possibly as big as a 13” screen. Michael will just stand in front of it and watch it for hours. Everything about Michael’s life just seems so sad here. Michael also shows off the table he built (from scrap wood from the warehouse, I am assuming) and Jim and Pam give him some compliments (I think they feel bad for him too). Jan makes a thinly veiled reference about a Michael/Pam affair and after a moment of paralyzing horror, Jim moves the conversation to Michael’s dundies. Michael gives a backhanded compliment to Jan and Jim gives the look we all want to.

Thankfully, Andy and Angela show up as a distraction. Angela coldly rejects any hug greeting from Michael and Andy says tuna about ten times in the span of greeting Jim. Before presenting a bouquet of flowers to Jan, Andy kind of sweetly gives a flower to Angela but she rejects the show of affection. When it’s revealed that dinner will not be ready for another 3 hours, Jim and Pam look each other with a fear in their eyes that says “what the fuck did we get ourselves into?”

To fill this 3 hour void, they’re awkwardly sitting in the living room, drinking some red wine. To try and give a sophisticated impression, Michael critiques the wine as having “sort of an oaky afterbirth.” Jim, the only one listening, let’s that sink in and question him. No one else is paying attention and Jan quickly uses this as an opportunity to show case Hunter’s new album (he was her old personal assistant). Jim and Pam look at each other, barely containing their laughter, while Angela looks horrified; the lyrics, combined with Jan’s middle aged, white woman dancing reinforces the idea that Jan took Hunter’s virginity. Andy is completely oblivious, adding his own backing vocals and Jan tries to dance with Jim, who is completely not into it. When Michael insults Hunter, Jan fires back, insinuating that Pam and Michael are having an affair. Pam sneaks into the bathroom for a whispering head, saying that she “just wants to eat, which [she] realizes is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.” I love it.

The group has moved on to play celebrities, my favorite party game. Andy has gone through an overly elaborate and complex system system of clues to lead to Joe Montana. Haha, I love celebrities. Jim, in a whispering head in the bathroom, reveals he is setting up a fake message about his apartment flooding to escape. Yet, when he tries to save Pam with him, Michael makes the astute observation that they both don’t need to go. Not thinking quick enough to get out of this, he just tries to abandon Pam. Pam will not let him go though, using coded language to force him to stay (trouble in paradise?). I’m not exactly sure who did the more despicable thing; especially since both Pam and Jim can do no. Either way, Jim is stuck still playing celebrities with Michael (who does not grasp the rules). Michael keeps saying the celebrity name and/or rhymes but Angela is completely oblivious and Jim is just playing dumb. “The first name is Tom…and he goes on a cruise, a Caribbean cruise.” “Katie Holmes.” “But he’s married to her!” “Oh, Dawson’s Creek.” Ahahhaha.

Afterwards, everyone is just sitting around, in an awkward silence. Pam makes a small gesture like she is shivering and Michael puts his jacket around her. Jan takes it as an attack on her and uses it as an opportunity to embarrass Michael. Again. Apparently, Michael ran through the glass door because he likes ice cream (but I mean, who doesn’t love ice cream?). Michael’s retort about Jan suing people is actually pretty funny. Then they make a fake joke about being the devil and being in hell but Angela complains. Trying to get out of there, Pam makes a dash for the kitchen. Too bad Jan uses it as a way to make a girls trip. Angela looks irritated at the request.

Jan checks on dinner, which is “not even close.” Pam looks quite dismayed. Jan finally makes clear that she is under the impression that Pam and Michael used to date. Pam, disgusted, tries to convince (in the least insulting manner) that she never wanted to date Michael but no one believes her, Angela continuing to back Jan on her accusations. I still don’t know why because she spent a lot of time pointing out how much Pam stared at Jim in past seasons.

In the garage, Michael gives a pitch to Jim and Andy about becoming investors in Serenity by Jan. Andy, without missing a beat, agrees. When Jim shows hesitation, Michael admits that it’s poor form. Thankfully, the doorbell chimes.

At the door, Dwight and his “date” appear, holding wine glasses and a cooler of food. When Pam sees that Dwight has shown up, she just smiles and says “awesome.” Which was my exact same reaction. Michael stands up for Dwight, saying that Dwight provided the means to accommodate him. Then Michael goes on a long tirade that is just so phenomenal that it is just a scene you have to see. “You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have in a person!” They storm off and Dwight is just left standing at the threshold, still wondering if he can come in. Anybody else would be wondering if they could get out.

At the dinner table, only Dwight and his date are actually eating since they brought a roasted turkey and beet salad. Dwight tries to talk to Angela but she just shoots him down. Meanwhile, Michael whispers about threats of poison to Pam. In a whispering head in the bathroom, Pam points out that crazy Jan would probably try to kill Michael’s ‘former lover’. When Jan criticizes Michael and his ‘soft teeth,’ he storms off. Jim tries to open a conversation with Dwight’s “date” who was actually his babysitter; he is just filled with questions but when he tries to get her email address, she responds with one of her own. “Email?” and Jim realizes that it is a dead end. Meanwhile, Dwight tells everyone that “it’s purely carnal and that’s all you need to know.” Actually, it’s way more.

Michael returns with his St. Pauli Girl neon beer sign and even Andy gives a look like, “this is gonna get awkward.” It starts an escalating fight with Jan turning on Hunter’s album again and then smashing Michael’s tv with his dundie. Aww. Jan storms off in tears and the rest of the guests (except Dwight) take it as their cue to leave.

The cops arrive and Dwight tries to talk to them, but is brushed off. I remember when Dwight mentioned his laser tag team and wonder if that was made up too. Sometimes I think only cousin Mose is his friend. Michael explains that nothing is going on, except that Jan threw a dundie at his tv. When asked if he wants to press charges, Michael says that he will take the fall. The cops just look at him and say, “you don’t have to press charges…” Cue Jan running out like a crazy person. The cops, wisely, ask that Michael stay with one his friends tonight. Dwight leaps at the opportunity but Michael turns to Jim and Pam. Jim recalls that his apartment is on fire. Pam corrects him that it is flooded and Dwight whisks Michael away.

At a fast food stand, Pam and Jim enjoy burgers and call each other babe (mocking Michael and Jan’s behavior all night). It eerily reminds me of Alex and Emily. Now I don’t think I can keep a straight face when I hang out with them. Jim reveals he stole Hunter’s cd and we are treated to a montage of all the party guests in the aftermath of the night. Angela and Andy are getting ice cream and when Andy steals a little nibble, Angela smashes her cone into the side of his car. I feel bad for Andy because he keeps trying to be sweet and Angela just keeps acting like a bitch. Dwight drives Michael home and completely blows off his babysitter, standing at the bus stop. Jan desperately tries, and fails, to repair the dundie she smashed. A symbol of everything wrong with her relationship.

A couple closing remarks: while a fun episode, I wish the cast would get back to office based episodes. There have been a lot of episodes where the main action is focused on outside settings; let’s get back to our roots. Also when did Jan go completely bat shit? Remember when she was pseudo-normal? Oh well. I’m just glad that everyone is back.

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Rally's On

Remember TV? And I don't mean American Idol and reruns of Cheers, I mean turning on your television and seeing a brand new episode of a scripted show, with actors and scripts and whatnot. Well, it's coming back-- more specifically, The Office is coming back tomorrow, Thursday the 10th. But it's been a long, hard strike, and you may not remember the last episode that aired way back in November. So, for your convenience, here's my recap of episode 4.08, The Deposition. (And don't worry, I will eventually keep recapping Mad Men! I got a little busy, but then I downloaded the Mad Men theme song as a ringtone for my cell phone, and every time I get a call I think, "Man, I gotta watch the rest of the show.")

Michael’s in a meeting with the accountants when Pam comes in with a post-it note. Pam talking heads that whenever Michael is in a meeting he makes her come in with a post-it note and tell her who’s on the phone, so he can act important and say he’ll call back later. “The thing is, he doesn’t get that many calls, so he has me make them up every ten minutes.” We see Pam bringing Michael post-its that say “Good morning,” have a drawing of a smiley face, and, to Michael’s meeting with Ryan, a cartoon hot dog saying, “Hiya buddy!” I can totally relate to Michael because one of my favorite things to do is screen calls when I’m hanging out with friends, because it says, “I like you so much that I’m going to make this person, who I like less, wait to talk to me until you’re not around.” But maybe I only feel this way because my mom and sister are the ones calling most of the time.

Michael looks at the hot dog post-it and tells Ryan that although an important client is on the line, Ryan is more important. This backfires when Ryan insists that Michael take the call. Pam fakes putting a call through, and Michael fakes answering it. It’s not much of a punchline.

In Michael’s sweet PT Cruiser, Jan and Michael are on their way to New York for the deposition in Jan’s wrongful termination case against Dunder Mifflin. I love at the end of season three when David Wallace tells Jan that they should have fired her long ago, because, “You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale.” Switch in drinking for smoking, and that’s exactly how I plan to self-destruct when I’m inevitably stuck in a soul-killing, dead-end job. Michael tells a different story to the camera: “They fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.” Jan jumps in with her thesis statement, which is that DM “displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.” Michael starts making up memory devices to remember this phrase, and is also trying to convince Jan to put the convertible top down (she doesn’t want to mess up her hair). Michael is excited at the thought of getting 4 million dollars in damages if Jan wins, and I don’t blame him. Jan could buy a lot of matching sweatsuits with 4 mil. We get the sense that Jan’s been coaching him harder than a Romanian gymnastics coach on what he’ll say during the deposition, but she tries to cover up for the cameras and says, “He’s just going to tell the truth, but the truth is very complicated. So we went over it very carefully just so we wouldn’t leave anything up to chance or Michael’s judgment.”

In the lobby of Dunder Mifflin corporate, Jan is trying to tame her windblown hair (Michael won their top up or down battle) when Ryan comes in and asks to talk to Michael alone. Ryan’s facial hair is like, “Behold my powers of douchiness!” In the hallway, Ryan starts by asking Michael if they can “talk off the record, as friends.” Ryan’s such a manipulative weasel that I can’t help but adore him. I’m hoping and praying for the spin-off to involve Ryan, Darryl and Kelly in a Felicity/Ben/Noel-type love triangle. Ryan continues, “Jan has put the company in a very tough position here… we just want to make sure that you won’t do anything to hurt us with your testimony.” Michael looks thrilled to be able to assure Ryan that he’ll do anything to help the company, but also like he’s getting some idea that he’s about to be ripped into little shreds by this situation.

In the warehouse, Darryl is kicking Jim’s ass at ping pong. Pam tells us that “the warehouse guys got a ping pong table last week, and now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes I bring him juice. My boyfriend is 12.” Aw! As Jim misses the ball, Kelly (wearing a great purple wrap dress) comes over to Pam and gets her bitch on. “What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping pong? Guess who’s boyfriend it is?” Pam doesn’t want to guess. “I’ll give you a hint: it’s not my boyfriend. I think it’s the guy over there.” In an interview, Kelly says, “I don’t talk trash. I talk smack. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like ‘Your momma’s so fat she could eat the internet.’ But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, ‘You’re ugly and I know it for a fact because I got the evidence right there [complete with in-your-face hand gestures].’” I don’t think I need to mention that Kelly is my hero and an inspiration in all I do and hope to one day be.

Up in the office, Pam asks Jim to join her in the conference room. He’s probably like, “Yes, are we finally going to have middle-of-the-day sex at work?” Last night I was discussing TV-related dreams with my roommate, and we agreed that while having a dream in which you get with Jim is great, you feel kind of bad afterwards for coming between him and Pam. Uh, anyway, Pam’s turned the table into a makeshift ping pong table. She tells him he has to practice and “get really good and beat Darryl.” Jim matter-of-factly tell her that he can’t beat Darryl, and is surprised to learn that Kelly’s been trash-talking Pam about his lack of skills. Is Jim deaf to not hear all this going on three feet away from the table? But I don’t care about the contrivance, because it gives us a brilliant montage of insults from Kelly: “Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball.” “Jim couldn’t hit a ping pong ball if it was the size of the moon.” “Were Jim’s parents first cousins who were also bad at ping pong?” I don’t want to criticize, but, according to Kelly’s definition, those are all instances of trash talk, not smack talk. Although, I love that in those scenes they’re wearing the same clothes, so Kelly said all these things to Pam in one day. Jim clarifies, “So you’re asking me to defend your honor against Kelly?” He accepts the assignment, because he’s the perfect boyfriend.

At corporate headquarters, DM’s chief counsel comes out to greet Michael and Jan, but Michael freaks out when he sees that Toby is there too. “What is he doing here? Are you renewing your divorce vows before my deposition?” The low blow that doesn’t really make sense: Michael’s specialty. Toby mildly says, “I’m your HR rep. I’m on your side.” Michael tries to pretend he has any influence and says he won’t talk until Toby leaves, but forgets about it two seconds later. I would also watch a Toby spin-off, maybe following him moving to the big city with his adorable daughter Sasha and reentering the dating world, co-starring Kristen Johnson as his crazy ex-wife and Kristen Davis as the flirty single mom in the apartment next door. In the deposition room, Michael is sworn in and then parrots the line about disrespect and inappropriate behavior. Jan looks as proud as a new pet owner whose puppy finally learned how to pee outside. In an interview, she says, “People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things he is well above average at. Like… ice skating.”

In Scranton, Pam tells Kevin that Jim needs help with something in the conference room. He walks in and says, “Oh, AWESOME,” because Kevin is my kind of guy.

Jan’s lawyer asks Michael how long he’s known the plaintiff, and Michael goes off on a John Grisham tangent. The lawyer clarifies that he meant Jan, and Michael says that he’s known her “six years and two months.” Aw, do you think Michael celebrated the 74 month anniversary of the day they first met? The lawyer asks, “And you were directly under her the entire time?” Michael automatically replies, “That’s what she said.” I can’t blame him; that’s the kind of set up you really can’t let go. Unfortunately, the other people don’t get it. “Mrs. Levinson told you she was your direct superior?” the lawyer asks. Michael doesn’t get that they don’t get it, and it goes around in circles until the court recorder has to read back the transcript. Michael notes that her “delivery is all wrong. Butchered the joke.” Heh. After reading The Westing Game I really wanted to learn the shorthand writing court recorders use, but that never happened.

Kelly goes to walk into the women’s bathroom just as Pam is leaving. The two stand off in the doorway for a second until Pam moves to the side. Kelly: “Yeahhh, that’s what I thought.” Kelly’s such a mean girl and I fucking love it.

The lawyer (I’m sure they said his name but I can’t remember it, so sorry) asks Michael if Jan said why she thought she was getting fired. Michael very maturely answers, “The twins. They hang off m’lady’s chest. They make milk.” Then the lawyer asks if Jan’s relationship with Michael had something to do with her firing, and Michael brings out the HR agreement they both signed (he framed it! I love how even in this very depressing episode there’s a very sweet quality to Michael’s love for Jan) before they started dating. But Dunder Mifflin’s lawyer can top that: she has a copy of the photo of Jan sunbathing topless in Jamaica that Michael forwarded to the entire company. Somehow, Jan never knew about this happening, which I guess is believable if she’d been out of the office a lot and really isolated from her co-workers. DM’s lawyer pushes him to clarify the timeline of their relationship, and Michael says everything he wasn’t supposed to: “Well, it depends on how you define ‘begin’ [So Clintonian!]. If it’s from the first time we shook hands, like six years ago. If it’s from the first time we kissed, then it’s like two years ago. If it’s the first time we kissed sober, it was like four months after that.” Jan’s lawyer wants to take a break, but DM’s lawyer wants some answers. Michael says, “line,” as if he’s in a play. Jan realizes that this is probably not going to end well for either of them.

After the commercial, the court recorder is reading back Michael asking if he can go to the bathroom so he can get out of the question. Michael looks at the camera, but he’s getting no help from anyone.

In the office, Meredith leaves the conference room as Jim tells her good game. She flatly says, “Don’t patronize me.” I totally stole that line at the end of this year, when comparing with my friend Andrea the lists we both kept of how many books we had read in 2007. It’s not supposed to be a competition, just a sort of reading journal, but I turn everything into a game so I was not pleased that she read like 15 more books than I did. And she would say, “Well, you still read a lot of books,” and I’d say in my coldest tone, “Don’t patronize me.” It’s ok, I’m going to kick her ass in 2008. Dwight storms into the conference demanding to know what is going on. Jim says, “Thank god you’re here. As it turns out, one of our biggest clients is a ping pong master, and I have to play him tomorrow or we lose the account. Will you help me practice?” Pam’s in the background, nodding like, “Damn, that’s smooth.” I would be maybe concerned to find out I’m dating such a skilled liar, but it’s Jim, and Jim is perfect, and Jim and Pam have a fluffy puppy relationship, so she’s probably fine. Dwight agrees to help, and it’s not very surprising to learn that he’s a table tennis pro. He talking heads that all of his heroes are table tennis masters, and that he has a life size poster of one on his wall. “The first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the Hall of Fame induction ceremony” of some guy who’s name I can’t spell. Wouldn’t it be cruel if the Table Tennis Hall of Fame didn’t have any tables just sitting around for visitors to play on? Oh, and that’d be cool if there were some retired Hall of Famers standing around for you to play against.

At corporate, Michael’s managed to get it together and explains that he and Jan “had an on-again, off-again relationship for two years. And I know this destroys her case, and I’m sorry, but I’d like to throw myself on the mercy of the deposition.” Michael thinks he’s done, but Jan’s lawyer has a trump card: Michael’s diary. Betrayed!! I love how the lawyer calls it a journal in order to preserve some measure of Michael’s dignity, but Michael calls it a diary nonetheless. It even has the word ‘diary’ embossed in silver on the leather cover! Did he buy it at Limited Too, I wonder? The lawyer starts reading an entry out loud, and I swear, this situation is my biggest nightmare. On January 4th, 2007, Michael wrote, “Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hehe. Oh diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss. I don’t know if it’s going to go anywhere. Jan was very specific that this is not going anywhere, that it was a one-time mistake. But we had sex six times so you tell me. I am definitely feeling very eerie. More tomorrow, xoxo, Michael.” The only thing missing would be if Michael gave the diary a name and addressed all entries “dear Tiffany” or something. The lawyer concludes that it seem as if neither Michael or Jan considered that they had a relationship. Jan’s nodding her head, but can’t bring herself to look at Michael. DM’s lawyer wants to see a copy of the entire journal, and Michael makes what I think is a good point, that “I don’t think anyone in this room has the right to read my diary.” Oh man, if I were him I would lunge across the table, rip the diary from the lawyer’s hands, start running and not stop until I reached Canada. The judge (or mediator or whatever) agrees that they’ll make ten copies, but Toby interrupts to ask if he can have one too. That’s evil, but who can blame him?

They break for lunch, and in the cafeteria Michael looks around and sees everyone he knows reading his diary. Unable to sit with Jan or Ryan, he finally goes to Toby’s table. Toby puts the diary away and starts empathizing. He says, “When I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They both wanted custody, and they both asked me to testify against the other one in court. And I didn’t want them to get divorced in the first place. I loved them both so much, I just wanted…” Toby’s act of baring his soul to comfort Michael is interrupted when Michael reaches over and pushes Toby’s tray of food onto the ground. Poor sad sack Toby. Michael gets up and leaves.

Michael and Jan are putting their trays away at the same time, not looking at each other. He asks her how she could steal his diary, and she says, “I’m sorry, I had to. I have to win this.” Or… she could get a new job? He asks how she found it. “You keep it under my side of the mattress.” “I don’t like the lump.” Michael’s such a princess. Jan says, “Alright, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You emailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let’s call it even.” They exchange angry “I love you”s and walk away in opposite directions.

Back in the deposition, DM’s lawyer asks Michael about “this other woman, Ryan, who you refer to as just as hot as Jan, but in a different way.” Heh! He says, “not another woman, just a cool, great-looking, best friend.” Toby can’t help himself from giggling at the situation. I wish Ryan was in the room too so we could see that horrified silent stare he’s so good at. Remember in the Valentine’s Day episode where Michael tells Jan’s boss that he was joking about them dating, and that it was just a misunderstanding? This is pretty much the same thing. Michael tells the lawyers that although he considered Jan his girlfriend, she didn’t feel the same, so “her actions are completely rightful.” DM’s lawyer tells him it’s “admirable that you continue to defend a woman whose feelings towards you are so obviously ambivalent.” Michael thanks her, and hey, ambivalent is kind of a tough vocab word. I use it a lot, but only because I tend to be ambivalent towards almost everything (except ping pong, and Kelly. There’s no ambivalence in my love for ping pong or Kelly).

DM’s lawyer points out that Jan consistently gave him poor performance reviews, and Michael explains that “that was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot… of water.” The lawyer brings out a review from March, after their relationship became official. He reads Jan’s review of him out loud: “I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee and a poor branch manager. I recommend that he be removed from that position and reassigned to sales where he belongs.” The thing is, Jan’s totally right to suggest that Michael go back to sales, since it’s something he’s actually good at. The lawyer asks, “after reading that, wouldn’t you at least say that Mrs. Levinson’s judgment is very seriously flawed?” Man, everyone in this room is very seriously heartless. Michael’s eyes get a little watery and he doesn’t respond.

Commercials. Dwight is still kicking Jim’s ass at ping pong. Pam asks how it’s going, and Dwight responds that Jim’s gone from “completely hopeless to simply miserable.” Jim is proud to show Pam his new spin serve, but Dwight, playing on his cell phone, slams the ball back without even looking up. That’s kind of hot. You know, it really isn’t fun to play ping pong with someone who’s either a lot better or a lot worse than you, because there’s no satisfaction in short rallies. My ultimate goal in life is to marry a man who is exactly as good at ping pong as I am, so we can get a ping pong table instead of a dining table and just play all the time. He’ll win 50% of the time, I’ll win 50% of the time, and it’ll just be bliss. Jim tells Pam he’s ready for the rematch with Darryl, and Dwight says, “Wait a minute, Darryl is the client? Oh, no, no. He works here, dumbass.” Heh! I love when Dwight is so close to figuring something out, but then veers off in the wrong direction at the last second.

In the deposition, Michael asks Jan how she could do that to him. She can’t give a good answer, but tells him, “I am not the enemy. Dunder Mifflin is the enemy.” He replies that Dunder Mifflin has always treated him with the “utmost respect, with loyalty. They were going to give me your job, and I should have taken it.” This is Jan’s cue to pull out the final humiliation of the day. Oh man, you guys, this episode is so bleak. Jan has her lawyer read part of David Wallace’s deposition about whether Michael was a contender for Jan’s job. When asked if Michael was his first choice, David said, “Michael Scott is a fine employee who’s been with the company many years.” The counsel asked if Michael was in the top five, and he said, “What do you want me to say. C’mon, he’s a nice guy.” Eventually, David Wallace said that no, Michael wasn’t seriously considered for Jan’s job. David Wallace is such a classy guy; I sort of have a crush on him (and I love how he totally has a man crush on Jim). He’s over in the corner, listening to the lawyer reread his testimony, and just looks broken hearted.

Jan’s lawyer goes for the money shot: “Wouldn’t you agree with Ms. Levinson that the company displays a pattern of disrespect towards it’s employees?” Michael: “Absolutely… not.” Yay!

In the warehouse, Jim and Darryl are having a rematch. Jim wins a rally, and Pam says to Kelly, “Ha, see that?” Kelly says, “Yeah, that floppy haired girl you date won a point.” And the score is 19-4, so Kelly sort of has a point herself. Darryl scores again, and Kelly gets up and starts singing that Avril Lavigne classic, Girlfriend: “Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your boyfriend! Cause, cause, cause, cause he sucks at ping pong!” That’s some good smack talk. Pam is not going to take it anymore, gets up and tells Kelly to pick up a paddle, they’re going to play. Kelly asks, “You think you can handle this?” Pam: “In my sleep.” Girl fight! They rally for serve, but can’t get past the “i” in “ping pong.” Oh no, girls are bad at sports! Jim and Darryl decide to go play on the table upstairs, and again, it’s like there’s some sound barrier surrounding the ping pong table.

Everyone’s filling out of the deposition room as David comes over to apologize to Michael. All the men at Dunder Mifflin are wearing similar red patterned ties—it’s sort of distracting me. David says that they never meant for Michael to get caught in the middle of this (I’m guessing David didn’t ask Ryan to do the “as a friend, can you…” thing), and he’s very sorry. Such a classy guy! David Wallace is so the George Clooney of Dunder Mifflin corporate. They shake hands, and Michael tells him that he thinks David is a nice guy too. Aw, man love!

Michael talking heads, “What did I do it? I don’t know. Jan said it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York, so… You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.” I can’t believe there’s not a “That’s what she said” joke right there. Also, kudos to Michael Scott for displaying a degree of logical thinking no one (especially Jan) previously thought he was capable of.

Jan and Michael drive home. That must have been an awkward two hours back to Scranton. She suggests getting Chinese for dinner (mmm, now I want orange chicken), but Michael says that they should save some money and get something cheap. Chinese was Jan’s cheap suggestion, but Michael was thinking more like fast food. She says that’s fine. This episode is such a downer.

Luckily, the end tag has a little taste of the glory that is Mose. Him and Dwight are in the warehouse after hours, wearing protective goggles and playing an intense game of ping pong. They don’t have a table at home? Preferably one that Dwight whittled out of a tree? Oh, fine.

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My history of television

Someone very wise said, TV lovers aren't born, they're made. Buffy made me.

Ryan asked me to write a little introduction to myself, and since I live to please, here it is. I thought about writing a full, day-by-day account of my TV watching history, but instead I'll try to limit my natural tendency towards wordiness (I also really like using parenthesis) and make a list like Ryan did. So here's the top ten most significant moments in my life in front of the TV:

#10, Let's Get Dangerous!: I can remember very clearly being maybe 5 or 6 years old and asking my mom, "When is Darkwing Duck on? Is it on now? You have to tell me, Mom, because I don't want to miss it." What can I say; from a young age I was drawn to dark, gritty and realistic TV shows.

#9, I'm a little bit in love with Jim Halpert: Remember when The Office first started and everyone was like, "Damn, NBC is totally circling the drain, this show is gonna suck." But during the second half of the first season, which fell during spring of freshman year of college, I started hearing a few good things here or there and thought, "Wait, how did that show not get cancelled?" And then one night I was staying up late and couldn't sleep, and decided to check out the "Recommended shows" section on the Tivo I recently bought. If you've never been blessed with having a Tivo in your life, I'll explain a little bit. Based on the shows you subscribe to (aka you set the Tivo to record every new episode of a certain show), the Tivo will find programs that are similar and then record them for you. The first program I subscribed to was The Daily Show, so for a while the only shows Tivo recommended were on CNBC, which is ridiculous because I detest serious news-based TV. But eventually Tivo branched out and recorded different shows for me, but I didn't watch any of them... until The Office. That episode was "Dwight's Speech," where Jim pranks Dwight by giving him speeches from old Fascist dictators to use in his top salesman speech. A lot of the humor was based on the twisted relationships between the characters, so at the end of the episode I was slightly underwhelmed but willing to give it another chance. I saw another Tivo-ed episode, then Ryan the Hero downloaded the first and the second season-so-far for me, and I watched about 25 episodes in 3 days. Now I'm a Jim and Pam fan for life. When Jim came into the office at the end of Casino Night and grabbed Pam for the best kiss of all time, I pretty much died.

#8, Can we borrow your tv?: Veronica Mars pretty much made freshman year. I've never made friends easily, and after a month and a half of college I wondered if I was ever going to meet people I'd want to hang out with. And then the cable in our dorm room went out, and the 6 girls of 1003 were stuck without anywhere to watch Laguna Beach. But on that Tuesday night, I was way too embarrassed to go knock on the door of 1005 by myself to watch my tiny little girl detective UPN show. But Dana insisted she'd come with me, even though she'd only seen a few episodes, and so we went and asked the boys down the hall if we could watch it in their room. Danny and Ryan (and maybe Kyle?) watched it with us, and they liked it, and the four of us preceded to watch (rewatch for me) the whole first and second season together. I had this really long conversation over Thanksgiving that year with a friend who argued that using TV as a basis for friendships might work but is more artificial and shallow than friendships formed over, I don't know, volunteer work and poetry readings. My argument was, "You're a jerk. Be happy that I'm happy that I have great friends." So maybe 1003 would have become friends with 1005 regardless of Veronica Mars. But maybe not, and even though season 3 was patchy at best, season 1 is transcendently awesome and Rob Thomas is a modern day hero.

#7, I watch too much ABC Family: I'm embarrassed to include Gilmore Girls on this list, since it's pretty much the girliest show ever created and I think it's actually pretty overrated and that Amy Sherman-Palladino is more hack than genius. But I own the first six seasons on DVD (in my defense, they were on sale at Target for $15 each), and there isn't an episode I haven't seen multiple times. My relationship with this show is the definition of love-hate: Rory is a baby-talking wimp, Lorelei is a selfish brat, the grandparents are Darth Vader-level evil, the townies are annoying, and the whole Stars Hallow community is ridiculous. And yet... whenever I've had a hard day, and am tired and worn down, I turn on ABC Family and watch an old Gilmore Girls episode and at the end of the hour I feel loads better. Despite everything that's wrong with this show (and my above list is just the tip of the iceberg), it's also a little bit magical. Plus, I have very found memories of the summer after freshman year when I didn't get a job and spent three months lying by the pool, but would go to the gym every day at noon and run on the treadmill while watching this show. Final reason: Jess!

#6: You bought me a wall: I was 12 when Dawson's Creek first started on the WB, and my parents decided it was too mature for their baby girl. But my sister was allowed to watch it, so I did a lot of lurking in doorways and I may have even watched it while standing outside looking through the window. Eventually my parents decided it was easier to just let me watch it for real so we could "discuss it," and I cringe as I think of the conversation I had with mom about Dawson's parents that included the phrase, "dry-humping." But after a season or two I moved on from DC to other WB shows with less annoying characters. I watched episodes here or there, enough to have a general grasp of the plotlines, but wasn't really invested in the characters. But then there was the summer before senior year, where every weekday I had to be at work at 9, so I would wake up at 7 and watch back to back episodes of season 3 of Dawson's Creek on TBS. Season 3 is where Pacey and Joey finally get together, stick it to Dawson, then sail off together in a boat called True Love at the end of the season. It's pretty much all downhill from there, but the best of the Pacey/Joey romance was better than almost anything else.

#5, "My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, "How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive.": But was Pacey/Joey better than Angela/Jordan Catalano? Too close to call. I was 8 when My So-Called Life first aired, and while I vaguely remember being in the room while my mom watched a rerun of it on MTV, I was too young to watch it myself. But I grew up hearing about how amazing it was, and seeing how hot Jared Leto continued to be (until the whole eyeliner/band fiasco), so it was always in the corner of my mind that I should check it out. I got the DVD set for Christmas sophomore year of high school and quickly realized that some shows are legendary for a reason. Even though I was watching this show 9 years after it first aired, I could relate to everything Angela thought and felt. I think MSCL was the first show, for me, that proved that TV can depict real life, even with scripts and actors and costumes. This show is the polar opposite of Dawson's Creek, and these two high school shows are exemplary of the two types of TV I tend to really like: the hyper-stylized, no way realistic, all melodrama everyone looks like a catalog model and has a witty comment or quip ready at lightning speed (think Gilmore Girls, Friends, Veronica Mars) vs the naturalistic, earnest, sometimes painful, very heartfelt, normal-ish actors saying "Um" and "like" (Friday Night Lights, Freaks and Geeks, the Office). This past summer I sold that old box set on Ebay and got the new, rereleased set for Christmas. I haven't gotten a chance to rewatch the MSCL eps with commentary, but I feel sure when I do that I'll relate to Angela just as deeply as I did when I was 16. And I'll still be just as frustrated that we never found out how it ended, since Claire Danes was too whiny to do another season. Then, as now, I like and demand closure from my TV shows. (That's why I'm really glad I never watched the Sopranos.)

#4, Bitch is gonna get stabbed: I watched the first season of Surviver, and I was certainly into Laguna Beach. But no reality show will ever compare to Bravo's classiest bitch, Project Runway. Senior year of high school I saw an ad for it in People and thought, "Heidi Klum is hosting a reality show? That could be kind of cool." A few weeks later, in newspaper class, my friend Ali asked if I had seen it and I remembered that I wanted to check it out. I did, and every week Ali and I would gush over Austin and Kara Saun and Jay and evil, evil Wendy Pepper. This was way before the whole Tim Gunn phenomenon, and it felt like Ali and I were the only two people in the world watching this little sewing show. It got bigger, and by freshman year of college it was the only hour of the week were all 5 of my suitemates got together in the same room, and the same for another 4 suitemates sophomore year. I haven't been really watching this season; I don't know why I can't get into it (silly challenges? Uninspiring designs?) but everytime I try to watch an episode I give up after 15 minutes. But this is still the best reality show on TV, I still want Tim Gunn to be my best friend, and I still want Kara Saun to design my outfits every day for the rest of my life.

#3, ArrDev: You guys, I was in love with Michael Cera since the very first episode of Arrested Development (I'm still trying to get ArrDev to catch on as the unofficial nickname of the show), so all you bitches-come-lately who saw Superbad and decided you wanted a piece of the cute nerd action can just go to the back of the line. But anyway... this show really cemented my tendency to watch and fall in love with the low-rated, critically acclaimed, soon to be cancelled show. I can't really get on board with the "Fox is the devil for killing ArrDev too soon!" because three seasons is a decent run. It could have been treated and promoted a lot better by the network, of course, but I feel like everything after the first season was a gift. Also, this show inspired me to go to a pottery place and paint a mug bright orange, with "SAVE ARRDEV" on one side, "Michael and George Michael" on the other with little houses, and "Terrible mistake?" on the inside. If that's not dedication I don't know what is. Now if only I can get myself a Cornballer...

#2, Is that a Michael Phelps cardboard cut-out?: I don't give a fuck about sports, but I love the Olympics. I watch the Opening Ceremonies, and I mist up at all the happy athletes waving their flags. I watch the little athlete background puff-pieces, and I get a little teary at the hard-luck stories. Paul Hamm falls on his ass in the vault then comes back to win the gold medal, and I cry like a fucking baby. I adore the Olympics: the competition, the international friendliness, the 24/7 cheesiness, the incredibly toned and hot bodies of the athletes, the barely-contained rage of the robot gymnasts from Romania... there's nothing bad about the Olympics, except curling. I was dying to go to Beijing this summer but I don't think it's gonna happen; maybe London 2012. As for the winter Olympics, sure I enjoy watching figure skating, but Michael Phelps and his speedo are at the Summer Olympics so they take priority.

#1, The Chosen One: So this is where this list has been heading to since the very first line: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Maybe you've noticed that of the above listed shows, one of the main reasons they're on this list is because they had some hot dude (Logan Echolls, Pacey Witter, Jordan Catalano, George Michael Bluth, Jess Mariano...). Yes, I have a long and storied history of TV boyfriends. So I have to say, right off the bat, that BtVS isn't number 1 because of Angel or Spike or Xander or even Giles. The reason I own multiple novelizations and behind-the-scenes guides and 5 seasons on DVD (sorry Buffy, but I just can't justify getting the UPN seasons). The reason is the great writing, the badass villains and action, the friendship of the Scooby Gang, and the most inspiring little blonde girl in the history of TV. This was the first show to make me cry (when Buffy gets the Class Protector award at Prom), the first show to make me seek out an online community, and the first show I bought on DVD. Buffy introduced me to the wider genre of sci-fi and fantasy, not to mention the future works of Joss Whedon. But it mostly made me fall in love with TV-- through this show I saw how it can bring people together, create discussions, influence emotions. I haven't watched a Buffy episode in months (maybe more than a year), but it'll always be the most influential television show of my youth.

So I guess that making this in list form didn't stop me from being really, really wordy. Sorry! Mad Men recaps to follow very soon, so start preparing your martini and don't forget to sexually harass your secretary.

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